seas that ebb and flow..

More and more I find the urge to speak the truth which may include an observation (in love or otherwise) truly hard to bridle. It's so bad that I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach most days. I keep getting the "wait for the right time" bath of cold water on my face still but then, the water somehow seems to dissappear the moment it touches my face!

I have held the view that I ought not tell someone something they really ought to know about themselves unless they asked my opinion. I also am wrought with "fear" of saying the wrong thing.. maybe it ain't God's word I am spewing forth, merely my own... hence I almost always instinctively hesitate. Other times, it might take me a day or two to digest things...

Why, Lord, do I now have the urge to speak out so strong? or at least at the moment I think things through? I suppose, it's cos You gave me the breakthrough in the first place? Can I trust these urges?

Many things and people seem to be so so "loose" in their thinking and behaviour these days, like God is that nice guy they know from church who never says or does anything controversial nor exciting. God spells B-O-R-I-N-G or is just a pushover. I feel powerless at times to even say anything, most times simply out of shock! Should I then apologize for speaking the truth in love? I fear God and for those people more...

So, yes, I guess, the seas have to be ebb and flow and I must obey God... that He would "back me up" (as Pastor Mal said today) as I go forth to do His Will, whether it be to be His witness to the Gentiles or to the believers alike. I shall probably quickly lose my supposed "youthful" appeal soon and perhaps end up someone others avoid like a plague! I think prophets in the olden days weren't very popular either....

my fears..

Pastor Mal talked about fear of witnessing today. (Acts 1:8 tells us that the Lord has called us to witness to all) I must admit that I too have a fear of witnessing and ultimately the fear is of being rejected or being told that I am wrong for believing in God.

He said that we ourselves need to be convinced and convicted that what and who we believe in before we can go try convince anyone else.... how true, pastor!

I have been musing over "fear" especially since I have Joel, who is fearful of the stage and performing, "fear" and "shy" has been used interchangeably sometimes...

What does "fear" stem from? Specifically I guess it's fear of failure or fear of making a mistake... and being judged or ridiculed...

I suppose I too am afraid of not being able to answer tough questions on my God and being ridiculed and falling short of the glory of God (or is it myself?). Fear of being rejected and told that I believe in what I believe and they will believe in what they believe?

I am not good at making friends, I am not a friendly sort. I like the people who I know and do not feel any lack of companionship. Comfortable? I guess so.... And are all the people in the circle of friendship, family, etc. already believers? I wish! So they are my W-I-P. So, should I then just concentrate on them and forget about the rest of the world? I wish I could but I reckon God would say "no" to that so, I suppose I shall have to keep on making new friends, whether I like it or not...

This writing is a random musing with no real point to make except to remind myself that I ought to witness despite myself and my so-called values which seems so right and comfortable but, not of God! Thank you, Lord for this timely reminder!