"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty;

not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some."
Charles Dickens

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Please hear what I'm not saying....

I found this in some old notes of a seminar I attended before called LISTENING HEARTS by sister Chong Mei Lin in 2002.

A familiar feeling? Yes, I noticed that the grammar isn't perfect... Look beyond lar....

Please hear what I'm not saying
- Author unknown

Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off.
And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me;
But don't be fooled, for God's sake dont' be fooled!
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled in me.
Within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command.
And that I need no one.
But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask.
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But this I hide.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend.
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my hope!

That is, if it's followed by acceptance.
If it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls.
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of that I can't assure myself...
That I am really something...
But I don't tell you this, I don't dare.... I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
And your laugh will kill me.

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good.
And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
And my life becomes a front.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I use to have high walls, and many masks. I use to not like to show myself...I can echo this anonymous author. I suppose a lot of us can. Aunty Mei Lin saw that in me...and encouraged me to change, to show forth who I am, to take risks. She warned me of the down side but told me the upside was much greater than any down side. I have to agree.

I have since been trying to hear the unspoken cries of others. Don't know if I do it well though.

Having said that, after breaking up last year, unwittingly, I have put on many masks again, hiding pain, hiding myself, scared that people won't like what they see. I am tempted to build walls again. But He has brought it to my attention, and though it is a struggle, I will not go into hiding again. I will go into the shelter of His wings, but not into the fortress I build, in which I cannot get out on my own.

As much as I want people to hear the unspoken cries, as you told me personally, I need to speak up! Speak up so that I can be ministered to. There is no shame in that. There is no weakness in showing that we are weak and need help.

But not everyone knows it...and those who do know continue to have to listen hard to help those who cry silently and suffer alone unnecessarily.

(Cheong hei hoh? Even in the morning! Hahaha!)