I found this in some old notes of a seminar I attended before called LISTENING HEARTS by sister Chong Mei Lin in 2002.
A familiar feeling? Yes, I noticed that the grammar isn't perfect... Look beyond lar....
- Author unknown
Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off.
And none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me;
But don't be fooled, for God's sake dont' be fooled!
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled in me.
Within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command.
And that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask.
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But this I hide.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend.
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my hope!
That is, if it's followed by acceptance.
If it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls.
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of that I can't assure myself...
That I am really something...
But I don't tell you this, I don't dare.... I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
And your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good.
And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
And my life becomes a front.