seas that ebb and flow..

More and more I find the urge to speak the truth which may include an observation (in love or otherwise) truly hard to bridle. It's so bad that I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach most days. I keep getting the "wait for the right time" bath of cold water on my face still but then, the water somehow seems to dissappear the moment it touches my face!

I have held the view that I ought not tell someone something they really ought to know about themselves unless they asked my opinion. I also am wrought with "fear" of saying the wrong thing.. maybe it ain't God's word I am spewing forth, merely my own... hence I almost always instinctively hesitate. Other times, it might take me a day or two to digest things...

Why, Lord, do I now have the urge to speak out so strong? or at least at the moment I think things through? I suppose, it's cos You gave me the breakthrough in the first place? Can I trust these urges?

Many things and people seem to be so so "loose" in their thinking and behaviour these days, like God is that nice guy they know from church who never says or does anything controversial nor exciting. God spells B-O-R-I-N-G or is just a pushover. I feel powerless at times to even say anything, most times simply out of shock! Should I then apologize for speaking the truth in love? I fear God and for those people more...

So, yes, I guess, the seas have to be ebb and flow and I must obey God... that He would "back me up" (as Pastor Mal said today) as I go forth to do His Will, whether it be to be His witness to the Gentiles or to the believers alike. I shall probably quickly lose my supposed "youthful" appeal soon and perhaps end up someone others avoid like a plague! I think prophets in the olden days weren't very popular either....

my fears..

Pastor Mal talked about fear of witnessing today. (Acts 1:8 tells us that the Lord has called us to witness to all) I must admit that I too have a fear of witnessing and ultimately the fear is of being rejected or being told that I am wrong for believing in God.

He said that we ourselves need to be convinced and convicted that what and who we believe in before we can go try convince anyone else.... how true, pastor!

I have been musing over "fear" especially since I have Joel, who is fearful of the stage and performing, "fear" and "shy" has been used interchangeably sometimes...

What does "fear" stem from? Specifically I guess it's fear of failure or fear of making a mistake... and being judged or ridiculed...

I suppose I too am afraid of not being able to answer tough questions on my God and being ridiculed and falling short of the glory of God (or is it myself?). Fear of being rejected and told that I believe in what I believe and they will believe in what they believe?

I am not good at making friends, I am not a friendly sort. I like the people who I know and do not feel any lack of companionship. Comfortable? I guess so.... And are all the people in the circle of friendship, family, etc. already believers? I wish! So they are my W-I-P. So, should I then just concentrate on them and forget about the rest of the world? I wish I could but I reckon God would say "no" to that so, I suppose I shall have to keep on making new friends, whether I like it or not...

This writing is a random musing with no real point to make except to remind myself that I ought to witness despite myself and my so-called values which seems so right and comfortable but, not of God! Thank you, Lord for this timely reminder!

I knew I loved you before I met you...

I love this silly song by savage garden. It's dedicated to all the 3 guys in my life, pck, josh and joel!

I knew I loved you before i met you! ok so I get dreamy cos of the whimsical lyrics but I love it!

Another song that is especially heart warming is James Taylor's "You got a Friend"... Now that's the "our" song for pck and I.... sigh... so it ain't some romantic, mushy song but it holds many good memories and such meaning... ok, here are the lyrics...

When you’re down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know whereever I am
I’ll come running
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I’ll be there

Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you.
Well they’ll take your soul if you let them.
But don’t you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Don’t you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
All you’ve got to do is call.
I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.

I love my husband, my friend...

A prayer for the young and lovely...

Dear God, I keep praying
For the things I desire,
You tell me I'm selfish
And "playing with fire" -
It is hard to believe
I am selfish and vain,
My desires seem so real
And my needs seem so sane,
And yet You are wiser
And Your vision is wide
And You look down on me
And You see deep inside,
You know it's so easy
To change and distort,
And things that are evil
Seem so harmless a sport -
Oh teach me, dear God,
To not rush ahead
But to pray for Your guidance
And to trust You instead,
For You know what I need
And that I'm only a slave
To the things that I want
And desire and crave -
Oh, God, in your mercy
Look down on me now
And see in my heart
That I love you somehow,
Although in my rashness,
Impatience and greed
I pray for the things
That I want and don't need -
And instead of a crown
Please send me a cross
And teach me to know
That all Gain is but loss,
And show me the way
To joy without end,
With You as my Father,
Redeemer and Friend -
And send me the things
That are hardest to beat
And keep me forever
Safe in Thy care.

By Helen Steiner Rice

Some questions on my mind...

Some questions I would like to ask
1. Who is God in your life? a. vending machine b. friend c. creator d. punching bag
2. Who are you to God?
3. Is there life after death?
4. Do you think you owe anyone anything? Who and what?
5. Do you think that God owes you anything? What?
6. What do you think is your purpose in life? You mean, you've been living xx no. of years simply aimless, clueless and not curious or enquiring?
7. Who do you think your (future) spouse is? a. friend b. soulmate c. vending machine d. punching bag
8. What (can you) do you have to offer to your (future) spouse? a. brokenness b. sordid past c. your love d. faithfulness
9. What happens when your love runs out?

being judgemental vs showing grace

it's so easy for me to size/sum up a situation or evaluate things etc.. be it problems, issues, pain.

it's so hard for me to show compassion at other times and when i put myself in the other person's shoes. i simply cannot comprehend her reaction, her response!

i still need to show love...