Last post for the day

What lies behind us
and what lies before us
are tiny matters
compared to
what lies within us.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

"Refrain"

You know the musical term "refrain"? I am at that stage with someone right now. I was invited to compose a song with this person, believing that we were going to sing a new song unto the Lord.

Of late, I found that composing with another person isn't easy. I found that the person was not in-sync with me. It isn't a bad thing although I am a little disappointed. Sometimes we think that we are ready and wanting to do the same thing but we discover we aren't.

So, I have reached the "refrain" part. I am ready to stop composing though. How do I go from "refrain" to "end"?

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I obey...
I try never to sway
Despite what people say

I don't do what I like
I do what I must

Failure, judgment and doubt meet me oftentimes
But the rest of the time,
I believe it's what I am made to do

What benefit do I derive?
Riches and treasures or accolade and accomplishments?
Thanks or gratitude in any shape or form?
Wouldn't I be better off just keeping mum?

I wish I could
I wish I might
I obey...

Note to self...

1. sometimes i can be very intense. try not to be.
2. i am not the best judge of character. don't judge.
3. righteous anger. how do you know?
4. can i let go? very very hard. i so love/fear being right.
5. consequences, repercussions of my actions = good/bad fruit. remains to be seen.

sigh...

Musings...

Contentment, love, what to do, waiting, cold, juggling time, food, growing older, smiling more...

These are some of the things going on in my mind now.

What is contentment? Being happy and satisfied with your lot. If you are, how does it show. If you aren't, how does it affect you? If you aren't and think that you are, how can you tell? How can one teach contentment? Can it be learned rather than be taught?

Love. I love but I fear that I may have been neglecting my dearest of dears lately so hmm, have to do something about that, but what?

What to do? Looking at my to do list, I have still somethings that need to be done, but somehow feel like holding onto it for now. I think I shall give myself another day or so before completing it.

Waiting. I don't like waiting. Still, waiting is what I have to do for literally everything. Wait for the kids to get ready, for school to start, the car to be serviced, to do my shopping, for my pimple to pop out, someone to write back....

Cold? It is such a cool, cool morning. I am wearing this t-shirt which is comfy and warm..

Juggling time? Which thing shall I do first, second, third... If the time allocated is too long, what else could I do in between?

Food? What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner...

Growing Older? My face is getting droopy. Thank God the rest of me has not followed suit...

Smiling more? Since my face is getting droopy, I guess I need to smile more to "bring it up"? Haha! Contentment?

More about changes....

1. Don't be afraid to take big steps if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in 2 small steps. - David Lloyd George

2. What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do. - Author Unknown

3. Today is the day in which to express your noblest quality of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed. - Grenville Kleiser

4. The will to do, the soul to dare. - Sir Walter Scott

5. The hard part of making good is that you have to do it everyday. - Author Unknown

6. Habit is stronger than reason. - George Santayana

Too much, too deep, too soon?

Why do you remain silent?
I feel like an accused,
And yet I do not know what of.
I'd really like to explain,
But I don't even know my crime.

Have I hurt you?
Have I lied?
Can I be given the chance to confess?
Can I be given a "fair trial"?
Would you even let me say that I am sorry?
Do I even dare to ask that you forgive me?

How can I share my heart, my opinion, my confidences again?
I thought you understood, that you cared enough to confront me,
But now I only feel judged.
I thought I was somehow invincible,
But now I feel like I'm an untouchable!

For me, my greatest loss is.... you.
That person who loves without fear or favour.

More Flashbacks!

Josh back in 1994, then in 1998!











































Josh in Singapore in 2000

















Josh and Joel in Penang (Mutiara) and on the ferry back in 2002






































This one was taken in 2003 in Pulau Tioman!
























This one was taken in 2004.


Ok, so they aren't very good photos but it just shows one thing. The phuas love beaches, the sea etc..

Can't you see?

I am waiting, says the Lord
But you just don't see me.

I do love you, says the Lord
But you just don't feel me.

I know you are trying, says the Lord
But why use your own strength?

I am waiting, says the Lord
Won't you just stop and see?

I am hurting, says the Lord
But you just don't know me.

You say you want to get close,
But you keep running further away.

I love you, says the Lord
Stop, turn and look into my heart!
You will know that it's true
I do love you.

Silly, athletic me!

As I have been telling some of my church clan, have been having this something playing in my mind since Sunday Worship whilst His Love was being sung. It was a picture, scene, recording, imagination, vision what-cha-ma-call-it of me dancing, leaping, doing all sorts of things that I in my current state would not be able to do! I believe that it meant pure joy in my spirit but it makes me feel like I really wanna leap, dance, do cartwheels and whatever as we sing unto God!

I was smiling as I told God that I'd be able to do all that in heaven! It was a good feeling indeed, to even imagine that I could worship the Lord this way... Maybe, just maybe, the Lord was telling me that THAT was what my spirit was actually doing in worship to Him???? Ok, it's just a thought...

I had always been conscious of my appearance. I used to be laughed at and teased by my sisters and they dubbed me "vain pot" many a time. There is no real point to make here but just to tell a story as I remembered it. I was allergic to something in some fruits like mangoes, rambutans. Perhaps it was the insecticide, fertilizer whatever but it made my upper lip swell up beautifully!This condition would last like a day or less but it caused great distress to the owner of the upper lip! (Basically it was an Anita Sarawak or Donna Summer look, only worse!) I would just cry and cry and cry some more when it happened and lock myself in my room and simply refuse to come out. I refused school at least once which got my sisters all angry with me (not to mention my mom!) and they'd ask that I show them my face and would gently remind me that the more I cried, the worse the swelling would be and that it would prolong the condition as well! Guess what that made me do? .... cry some more la!

Well, thankfully for the vain pot, this phenomenon left and has not returned since. I wonder if stopping to bite open rambutans or washing fruit before eating it had anything to do with it???

Flashback!

Just some photos I thought to include.

They were taken in Poring, KK back in 2003.
My 2 brave boys trekked about 20 minutes up and 20 minutes down... not bad for 4 year old Joel. He didn't need to dukung-ed!

Prema's her name...

This is an article regarding the death of the NS trainee in Kelantan. Her name's Prema.