sad news...

Something else that I feel compelled to write about is the devastation caused by the tsunami and earthquake of Boxing day. So so so many lives lost!

Many are still in shock over this disaster while many others consider it simply news .. something that happens only to OTHER PEOPLE.

We have never experienced anything but tame waters in Malaysia and have taken much for granted. Well, no more! Since 26 Dec, we have seen that it can happen to ANYONE!

The idea that life goes on despite this disaster irks me... that I can live each day NORMALLY, use the pc, go home and use a remote control gate, water my plants... shouldn't life change? I feel guilty that I have these comforts and feel fearful at the thought that I should even consider volunteering to help the victims by taking the next plane there, or driving them back to house them, feed them or anything...

Yet, I believe it is what we should do...not what others whose JOBS are to do this like policemen, army personnel, etc... Instead, we send some money, some old clothes, shoes in the hope that at least some will reach the victims and they can use our discards!

What can we do then, aside from swallowing the guilt or just have nil conscience about it? Make that change, I say! Go out of our way in some way. If it means giving sacrificially that is.... at least a start!

Prayers? What to pray for? How to pray? Pray that relief will come on time, diseases will not spread, every red cent donated will reach the victims instead of opportunists, freeloaders, the victims will be able to get all that they need and more, people who are capable of helping will actually come forward and render it! (including me!)

Let me not live my life simply as a spectator...

the last moments of 2004....

I thought I ought to just pen down a little more before the year is over...

It is a glad reprieve since Christmas activities have concluded that I actually have the opportunity to read, reflect, plan and spend time with the kids getting them into some form of routine just before school resumes....

I read "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom and cried much.... I think this book is wonderful and would definitely recommend it to all for a worthwhile read....

My thoughts constantly return to the year that I had and altho many including PCK believe that we should not do things on an annual basis, meaning that if things need to be done, why wait at all? I agree but can't help simply reviewing all the same.

I was beating myself up with things I could have, should have, didnt do or should have done better.... I felt ppl had placed certain expectations on me and I had failed them and this is not a nice feeling indeed!

I had, as usual, asked God, angrily, what it is that He wanted, why couldn't I have foreseen, known better, this and that...

Then the thought of my being too hung up with what people thought of me, people's expectations, my own high regard of myself and PRIDE came zooming by, coming to a dead halt right in front of my face!

I was forced to confront the demon within that sought to soak itself in activities and things to DO... sigh, as usual lar, me!

Then, something I shall call realisation came over me, that this was a life long quest and I should not be in a great hurry to accomplish... somethings just cannot be rushed... relationships, things out of my control, other people, other people's choices simply cannot be RUN by me!

Once again, I was reminded of my priorities, to keep to them faithfully and obey despite my mind's eye telling me to do otherwise.... I shall once again surrender and willingly subject myself to the uncertain winds which the LORD shall take me through.... (note: He shall take me thru!)

Praying for another exciting Year in the LORD!

to do or not to do, to say or not to say.... that is the question!

I have many WIP or work-in-progress items and am waiting for a suitable time and place and people to present it to...

1. worship workshop entitled "VOCALIST BASICS"
2. launch a women's character building mentoring system - RUTH ministry
3. a forum for and with youth, talking about values, entitled "Love... at what cost?"
4. new year resolutions... do we or do we not make them and why?

I am all geared up to go but wait, it is still year 2004!!! how leh? I am also looking for a platform to do some of this stuff but no place.... i think i am being too gung ho about this and probably will get kadush by many for some of the things i will share but they are from my heart and i believe that the LORD placed much of it there. The rest, i "improvised", "expanded", mayhaps?

I just hope that people do not mistake this for a personal attack of any sort as I intend to serve the LORD faithfully, "Without fear or favour" kinda thing and I fear the LORD more than anything else!!!!

I am also of two minds on whether to post my blog to all and sundry to view and comment. I think, when in doubt, "don't" is the best motto....

What bothers me much these days is the fact that ADULTS have yet to speak out or even share their views on BGRs blossoming in church. Most are reluctant cos we walk on eggshells most days......

I have much to share but no one actually asked me "how i think couples should conduct themselves in a relationship" so how to share? I feel sad as I think myself pretty liberal already.. guess not..

I am also at the crossroads of my ministry life and believe that the LORD is moving me into other areas of ministry and yet, i feel as tho He is ADDING instead!! I want to obey but but but ... "buts" fill my mind and questions on HOW to do it when i only have 2 hands and they are already full! In many ways, too, I feel that I have failed Him when I see the areas that are lacking in my current "portfolio"... heavy sigh....

The LORD is a wonderful comforter. He once again reminds me that I am simply to obey and not be rattled by the "what ifs" and the "hows" and the many criticism, comments and generally the slack I am receiving from all quarters... I hope that I shall be able to do so time and time again, both this year and the next... Be still and know that I am GOD!

I shall continue to wait for the God's time, God's place for things He has placed in my heart. I only hope I shall continue to FEAR HIM more and OBEY when the time comes....

***Without fear or favour***

potpourri

Have not been writing and so much has happened since my last entry... haih! all lost again!

I just finished compiling some christmas-ie songs for singing at my family's christmas eve dinner at my mom's place. One of my sisters love to sing and has for some years now, been trying to persuade us to join in during christmas and new year.... to her great disappointment, we are usually not obliging and she very very poor thing loh! ok, this year, i shall do my bit and get ppl to join in... see how it goes!

My christmas shopping has not been fun or inspirational this year. sigh! more obligatory than any year before, sadly... I don't usually get good pressies this way... I had waited till too late to begin shopping and also, I am feeling that I'm sending my kids the wrong idea about christmas... and then my sis sent me that article about "We are what we think" by Linda S. Mintle which told me that I am missing the point of it all as I plan and shop for christmas! Time to re-think this "spirit of giving" thing already...

Also, a big big thing cropped up! THERE'S A RAT RUNNING LOOSE IN MY KITCHEN!!!!!!! And my larder has been infiltrated! I've had to throw away much of my food like maggi, spaghetti, bisquits (ALL of them!) and spices, packets of sauces, nuts, etc.... what a big waste! Now, I am in the midst of deducing its whereabouts...it could either in my kitchen cabinet crevice which i have since sealed (and if seal is broken, I know where it is!!!) or it has left my kitchen and should return tonight, by which time, I have a mousetrap ready and waiting!!!! Muah haha! Ok, I admit it! I shall not have a good night's rest until that scoundrel has been nabbed!

Oh yah! Both my dog and cat have been proven absolutely, utterly, completely, disgustedly, hopelessly, USELESS when it comes to rat catching!!! SOB! CRIES! For what I feed them!!?!

Catch stupid flies, bugs and lizards!!! Bah Humbug!

What else huh? Oh yah! I was very glad to have Pastor Daniel and his family speak to us last Sunday! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise! I am especially happy about it since they were our camp speakers and I felt that it was so fitting that they should speak to us at the close of the year too! Of course, they are absolutely inspirational as they live their lives SO SO SO SO SO UTTERLY COMPLETELY JOYFULLY dependent on our God! How rich they must be! I was also blest by what he shared and am also meditating on some of the verses he left in my brain, "My beloved is mine, I am my beloved's", etc... the thing is i had been thinking thru Matt 7:7- about "Ask and it shall be given ..." right thru to "do onto others what you would have others do onto you..." on Saturday and thinking about what it must be like to receive whatever we ask from the LORD and having such an intimate relationship with him that we would know what NOT to ask, like selfish things.... and how to reach that place...

I feel that the continual, constant message and witness of Pastor Daniel and his family is just that... to have such an intimate relationship with Father God... It is just so beautiful.. and yet how many of us can do just that? Be willing to commune with Him constantly, willingly, unconditionally, longingly... Oh, but woe is me... as I have failed in this area most miserably!

Yes, I do take these things seriously and believe that all of us must strive to be just that kind of a son or daughter... no exceptions... I am simply ever thankful and grateful that He still accepts us nonetheless and when we go to Him, He is always welcoming and never condemning! I pray that I shall be more passionate about Him with each day that passes....

This is no pet answer but more a resolve of how I would like to be in my relationship with Father God...

To Pray for -
Uncle Lim
Swim Coach Sam Tan and family who I have invited to Christmas Dinner Party 26 dec
Wai and family
Yee and family
Lonnie and ryan

To do list -
Get joel's uniform
Joel's sandals and school shoes
Icing the cake
Konyaku for eve dinner
See Connie, Irene, Mary T Lee
Prayer items for first cell meeting 2005
Practice skit and christmas worship songs

yippee!~

I have been away from my pc for a few days now, thanks to my failed monitor which turned dark and finally bright pink/red on me! so thus, a new monitor is brought home from trusty Low Yat Plaza... yaay!

my new monitor is lovely to look at and even seems bigger (hallo! only 15 inches)! ok, it's complicated unlike the usual plug-ins but after making some adjustments to suit my failing eyesight's satisfaction, i am online...

the week passed by ever so quickly with my usual sibuk things to do. a notable event that i would like to make mention is the bible study course which I attended on friday-saturday. Teacher Wai Keng who I called Sister Siew Keng during prayer at the CLOSURE of the seminar (blek!) was a lady open to comments and change and was willing to listen to the students. She had not taught teens before but she was interested to know if she bored them or not... something i admire about her esp. was her willingness to accept criticism from those younger than herself.

She taught me (am no teen but was blessed anyways! :-P) to approach bible study with less fear. She armed me with a few seemingly simple steps and I now firmly believe that mere mortals can also conduct a bible study!

ok, so i am very un-confident as a teacher... many know that about me already... perhaps it is because i am a critical back bencher myself almost all my school life. padan muka lah!

but then, i think the church has come to a point where bible study is a MUST! we need to be saturated in God's Word and not be satisfied with some little verse, given either over the pulpit or whenever, to tide us over for a whole week!

I know, I know, there's our devotional time with God, but then, it's different from studying God's Word together as a small group, the together-ness in wanting to know God better, not the "I have to do this cos someone expects me to..." and finally, the joy of finding nuggets of truth therein and understanding how things got to be the way they were....

I am reminded of the song entitled, "Believe" which starts with, "I say on Sunday how much I want revival and then on Monday, I can't even find my Bible..... where's the power of the cross in my life...." and these words ring true as I too, am guilty of neglecting God's written Word. Forgive me, Father for this!

I have also been guilty of watering down God's Word and at times downplaying things for fear of "rocking the boat, causing strife, making unpopular decisions, being un-real, being out of date, being aunty-ish, etc." and as the fear of the LORD becomes more real in my life, I need to constantly remind myself that I must not compromise God's Word!

So what shall I do about it? What about His inexhaustible, unconditional, unfailing love? What of that? How shall I balance that with fear of the LORD?

sigh... shall save that fight for another day....

a dilemma...

Being right isn't always a good thing.... sometimes I hate being right. Why must I always be right? I must be insecure or what...

I like and I would like to tell people how to run their own lives and affairs because I am usually right. I only wish they'd heed my advice and save themselves much trouble of being wrong or doing things the wrong way or just plain being wrong.

Think I need more "I" in my personality in order to be more convincing. Since I am usually right about things, they should listen to ALL I have to say and simply follow it!

That would save me and them the hassle of coming back to me to say how wrong THEY were and how THEY should have listened to me to begin with... Poor me!

Ok... I have finished griping, for now.

Families are hard to handle. They do stuff you don't like or approve of and you are basically stuck with them, like it or not. You can't trade them, sell them, lose them or anything...

I love my family. I just wished that sometimes, just sometimes things were easier and they were more...... easy to live with, open to change. All my frustrations, my persuasions, my words, my anger even seems to be lost and things just resume its course. I wish I could change the world, make everything alright for everyone.

Think the LORD needs to deal with me, really. I need deliverance, I need counsel, I need His grace, His mercy and to exercise His love to others. Not to be judgmental to a point of being unloving, or to be so harsh even if it is the truth... Lord, to have Your patience!

I watched the incredibles today with the kids and fren. (met rach and rebecca too!) so one item off my to-do list of yesterday... my play narration is almost finalised too. But, i do have a couple of items to ADD to the list.... boo-hoo!

I shall try my level best to exercise God's love tomorrow. I hope that the LORD will remain with and in me throughout in order to achieve this. God knows I can't do it on my own.. I shall try to complain less also! Yes, now that I have written it down, I shall have to put in some effort!

time flies when you are having fun...

I have been away (as in not at my pc) for some days now. Weekend came and weekend's gone. Holidays and engagements seem to take time away from me. I wish I could just have a quiet morning alone for a change....

Sometimes, I think all this is self-imposed. Some people can and do exactly what they like to almost all the time. Why can't I? I'd love breakfast with God, followed by Oprah Winfrey show, then do my laundry... sounds silly, I know... never mind.

November seemed like such a long month and December is passing so fast! I guess being involved in church activities does that.. I really need to plan my days very carefully from now onwards. I got kezillion stuff that needs to be attended to... here are some i can remember -

1. church stuff - christmas party stuff like appreciation cards, gifts for all and play narration fixed.
2. kids' stuff - josh's uniforms and books bought, his room and junk cleared out to make room for new junk, his pc fixed and up and running, his extra classes like kumon and tuition fixed, joel's cupboards sorted out, uniform checked and bought plus shoes, his drama and art classes confirmed.
3. christmas shopping done - like 40 ppl more to go.. sigh...
4. take mum shopping
5. take sons to watch incredibles
6. spring cleaning ... BIG SIGH...
7. christmas tree up
8. worship retreat venue confirmed.

think that's all...

feel tired now tho'... will try to write more tomorrow or should i say, a little later on.