Someone very special....

She is bubbly, lively, lovely and carries the presence of the Lord where she goes. She is real, pliable, loving, caring, selfless, pretty, hears well from the Lord. She makes me laugh, never dull, precocious, never subtle, never bland.

A steadfast warrior for the Lord, fickle with almost everything but never with the Lord. She has a beautiful voice, face, smile, figure too! She stands for what she believes in, stronger than she thinks she is, sensitive to the Lord's leading, highly favored daughter of the Most High.

She keeps on going when she doesn't feel like it. She keeps on going when she doesn't want to. She keeps on going despite what she thinks. Unwavering faith.

She brought me into the fold, made me feel loved, accepted and highly valued. She taught me how to love the young ones, her maternal instincts kicked in, way before motherhood. God-given love, painstaking acts of love as she showered her lambs with all she had within her even when it seemed as though she didn't have any more to give. She never, never gave up on us! I learned to love, to befriend, to see with eyes of love instead of my own human eyes when I saw the young ones through her eyes.

She never takes credit for the work. She returns it all to the Lord. She inspires, encourages, whips into shape, when she has to. She never, never punishes but corrects lovingly. Very few have had the privilege to see the side of her that I have seen. What I have seen is so so beautiful, so fragile and yet so strong. Created lovingly by the Lord for His purposes, His service, His blessings to be poured upon.

I pay tribute to a friend, a confidant, a teacher, a great servant of the Lord for whom I am so blest to have in my life.

Words will never suffice to describe her and all that she is and does, but I want to affirm her as she affirms me and others as we journey on with the Lord. So, thank you, my dear, dear Loretta.

Sounds like some old song...

As I was listening to this song, it struck/reminded me that we need to purposefully, intentionally, choose to praise God. Yes, we are told time and again that we ought to praise God in all circumstances and despite our feelings, but how many of us actually can or even try to do just that. And yes, I have been feeling less than grateful aka thankful to my Abba Father of late and as I listened to this song, I understand and appreciate the act of putting on the garment of praise all the better.

Garments Of Praise
Jamie Harvill

Put on the garments of praise
For the spirit of heaviness
Let the oil of gladness flow
Down from Your throne
Put on the garments of praise
For the spirit of heaviness
Your joy is my strength alone
My strength alone

Make these broken weary bones
Rise to dance again
Wet this dry and thirsty land
With a river
Lord our eyes are fixed on You
And we are waiting for Your garland
Of grace as we praise Your name

Hallelujah Sing hallelujah

We give all honor and praise
To Your name
Hallelujah Sing hallelujah
We trade our sorrows
For garments of praise

©1999 Integrity's Praise! Music
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

ARE YOU TEACHABLE?

By Dr. James MacDonald

(Taken from this link.)

"Rebuke is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool." Proverbs 17:10

I believe that God speaks to us through His Word, His Spirit, and His people. In the times of my life when I've needed some course correction, most often I've heard His Word coming through someone who cared enough and loved me enough to sit down with me and say, "there's something you need to change."

Are you a teachable person? Proverbs 17:10 says, "Rebuke is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool." In other words, you can get more ROI from a wise person in one gentle conversation than you can gain from a fool by whacking him with a board a hundred times. Which are you?

If you're not sure how you rate on the teachability meter, take this five-point quiz:

1. I know I'm teachable when people give me input. When people feel free to give you a word of improvement, it's a good sign that you're teachable. Nobody wants to risk cleaning up a meltdown if the person can't receive a difficult word. Don't try to tell him he's not headed in the right direction because he'll bite your head off. The fool is always deeply persuaded that what he is doing is right. A teachable person will receive input.

2. I know I'm teachable when I see measurable growth and character development in myself. If you're changing for the good, then you're teachable. You're not the same person you were last year at this time. Godly instruction has produced results in your life and there's growth because of it.

3. I know I'm teachable when I don't have to answer a critic with a defense. More often than I ever want to be, I'm in the uneasy position of giving people input. As hard as that is, I love to sit down with a person who has hears a difficult word with an open heart and without defensiveness. It's been my repeated observation that those who are receptive to criticism, flourish!

4. I know I'm teachable when I don't have to criticize back. The classic symptom of an unteachable person is that they will listen to what you say, all the while framing their comeback, "Now let me tell you something..." Can you keep your defenses down and pride in check?

5. I know I'm teachable when I'm learning new ways to grow. If people have been telling you the same stuff for years, you're not teachable. If you've grown out of those old issues and are now on to new lessons, you're on the right track.

Are you teachable? Ask someone who knows you well for their honest evaluation. .And take their response to heart.

Of Cheerleaders and Pom-Poms..

After watching Heroes, my thoughts went to cheerleaders and their pom-poms..

Am I a pom-pom or a cheerleader?

What is a pom-pom to a cheerleader?

Can a cheerleader function without a pom-pom?

Why does a cheerleader need a pom-pom?

Am I a cheerleader, with or without the pom-poms?

Am I just a member of the crowd?

Why do we need cheerleaders?

Why be a cheerleader?

I think that cheerleaders and its hype are the result of American influence in our lives, probably more through the mass media than anything else.

I usually don't think much about cheerleaders. If I were watching a game, I doubt that I would bother much about them but find them suitable distractions, entertainment even, if they were any good. The media also paints all sorts of things about cheerleaders, their characteristics, etc which most times aren't particularly good or true. But that's not why I am talking about them now.

So, back to the earlier questions.

1. Am I a pom-pom or a cheerleader? What is a pom-pom to a cheerleader?

I want to liken myself to being a cheerleader for God. Pom-poms would symbolise perhaps zeal, a passion for Him?

2. Can a cheerleader function without a pom-pom? Why does a cheerleader need a pom-pom?

Of course they can but without the pom-poms, it would be harder to notice them. Also, the pom-poms are lovely, much like a lovely bouquet of colours in their hands and when they are swung about etc, surely add to their repertoire/routine. It enhances the performance so to speak.

3. Am I a cheerleader, with or without the pom-poms?

Hardest question so far. Yes, I am a cheerleader and yes, I do have pom-poms.

4. Am I just a member of the crowd?

I could be but would I be content?

5. Why do we need cheerleaders?

I think we need them. Aside from providing distraction and entertainment, they are supposed to support the team that they are cheering for. Imagine if you were a person playing for their team and you had to go to a new place to play and the entire stadium was filled with supporters of the opposing team. The cheerleaders might well be the only ones to render the team players any support and encouragement. So, yes, we do need cheerleaders.

6. Why be a cheerleader?

If you really love the game and/or you want to be a team player but can't for whatever the reason, or you have someone you really care about in the team, or perhaps you like and believe in what cheer-leading is all about, the preparation, the skill, the practice, the risk of permanent injury, the team spirit among cheerleaders, their different roles, the sheer power, agility, athletic strength and raw energy in not only doing the routine but also doing it with a smile, the selfless-ness even of doing all this to show support to the team you are rooting for?

Personal Revival?

I would like to manufacture a personal revival. It would be so good if I could get "high" on God just like I can get a sugar-high! Do this and eat that, then you get the desired result.

At other times, I'd just wish till my face turns almost blue, nag myself (through repeated thoughts), go into "repeat a prayer calling it travail in prayer" mode, all sorts of things in order to "make" God hear me or at least wear myself out wishing and hoping for something to happen.

I wish for a personal revival. I wish for a revival for those who "need" it badly. It makes me feel almost as if it were a good prayer and God just ought to comply.

This is what I got just before I fell asleep last night (early this morning, actually!)

I can't make it happen. You can't make it happen. Only He can!

Nothing profound or earth shattering. God is so kind and patient with me. He even hears my nagging to self and lousy prayers and reminds me ever so gently that I simply need to rely on Him instead of myself after I pray aka tell Him about it.

Surrendering myself in essence means trusting Him with myself and all my needs. It sounds so so simple, yet so so hard to do. All sorts of disasters, large and small, called doubts begin to cloud my conscious mind every time I attempt to surrender myself, my will, my desires, my needs, my fears to Him.

Thing is, even at this point, He gives me a choice. I could just listen to those doubts or choose to surrender myself to Him. Sometimes I fail and make the wrong choice. But after some failures, I have learnt and continue to learn to lean more and more on Him. Every right choice does something to me in the area of surrender.

So, what about my personal revival? I guess it begins with some unclogging of my own heart places first. Asking God to help me to get rid of old mindsets and lousy self-help techniques, such as nagging self, "repeat a prayer and call it travail in prayer", wishing hard, those things. Giving myself to Him readily, surrendering my will to His, doing as He wants instead of what I think.

revival = surrender?

Free trial offers, anyone?

This is my life. I am given a life but really, it isn't mine. It's rather like a trial offer life. I am given the offer for no apparent reason, except cos the manufacturer wants to and I get to use/abuse my life as I please although the manufacturer did give me an owner's handbook so that I would qualify.

Qualify? Yes, for the better life which is for keeps.

This is how I qualify. I must use the trial offer life according to specifications, which is based on the owner's handbook, then I get the free upgrade to better life! The best part of it all is that it is free!

Does that sound fair? Does that sound real?

What about the cost? Now, that is another matter. Well, you see, although the trial offer life is given out free, the cost to the manufacturer is rather high. The manufacturer had put His life on the line to ensure we get this trial offer in the first place! He offered an unlimited lifetime guarantee that if you have diseased, broken, less than perfect trial offer life to return after using it according to specifications, He would give you better life, no questions asked!

The tricky part of the trial offer life is remembering that it isn't really mine. It's a trial offer. Also, I do need to refer to the owner's handbook regularly to ensure I am using the trial offer life according to specifications.

What motivates you?

What motivates you to wake up each morning? What is your first conscious thought?

How can I be a "God-aware" person when so many things are trying to crowd God out?

I had breakfast with a dear friend this morning and that's the person who talked about "God-awareness" and got me thinking.

I was trying to describe a condition i had which she totally understood. (Yay!) I said something like, whatever I was doing/reading/seeing, in this case some poetry books, I seem acutely aware of the absence of God in some of the readings. Being aware is one thing but I can't seem to be able to turn it off. Am I weird or what? Why is it so glaring to me? She said that it was good cos I was "God-aware"...

I thought about it and want to believe that badly. Trouble with being "God-aware" is that it could easily make me judgmental of those who were not. Instead, I'd like to be God-aware and people-aware too. That way, I can be a blessing to those around me! Lord, may I be your light wherever I am placed!

So, what motivates me? Good question. I love to watch a life transformed by God and God-awareness. It's like a light switch suddenly flipped on. I am motivated by watching the young and especially the older ones being transformed. Thankfulness aka gratitude motivates me, too. By that, I mean that my own gratitude for all that He has done for me. There are truckloads that He does for me and that spurs me to "do/be" FOR Him. I take some things rather personally, like, I think God gives me a beautiful sky to enjoy, lovely music and songs to sing, many young ones to enjoy watching as they grow up, a husband who is crazy about me, friends who love me, a tick-tock brain, more ideas than I can contain, and even glimpses of things to come! He does this all just for me! How great is that?

My first conscious thought? What time is it?

May you always feel loved....

This writing is taken from Creeds of Life, Love & Inspiration and written by Sandra Sturtz Hauss. Personally, I don't like the title much but the contents brought me a measure of comfort.

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. Teach love to those who know hate, and let that love embrace you as you go into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and who have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than its form. May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time in each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you may feel you lack in one regard may be more than compensated for in another. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

Something I nearly forgot about...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change;
the courage to change
the things I can;
and the wisdom
to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr -

Last post for the day

What lies behind us
and what lies before us
are tiny matters
compared to
what lies within us.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

"Refrain"

You know the musical term "refrain"? I am at that stage with someone right now. I was invited to compose a song with this person, believing that we were going to sing a new song unto the Lord.

Of late, I found that composing with another person isn't easy. I found that the person was not in-sync with me. It isn't a bad thing although I am a little disappointed. Sometimes we think that we are ready and wanting to do the same thing but we discover we aren't.

So, I have reached the "refrain" part. I am ready to stop composing though. How do I go from "refrain" to "end"?

Popularity Contest

I obey...
I try never to sway
Despite what people say

I don't do what I like
I do what I must

Failure, judgment and doubt meet me oftentimes
But the rest of the time,
I believe it's what I am made to do

What benefit do I derive?
Riches and treasures or accolade and accomplishments?
Thanks or gratitude in any shape or form?
Wouldn't I be better off just keeping mum?

I wish I could
I wish I might
I obey...

Note to self...

1. sometimes i can be very intense. try not to be.
2. i am not the best judge of character. don't judge.
3. righteous anger. how do you know?
4. can i let go? very very hard. i so love/fear being right.
5. consequences, repercussions of my actions = good/bad fruit. remains to be seen.

sigh...

Musings...

Contentment, love, what to do, waiting, cold, juggling time, food, growing older, smiling more...

These are some of the things going on in my mind now.

What is contentment? Being happy and satisfied with your lot. If you are, how does it show. If you aren't, how does it affect you? If you aren't and think that you are, how can you tell? How can one teach contentment? Can it be learned rather than be taught?

Love. I love but I fear that I may have been neglecting my dearest of dears lately so hmm, have to do something about that, but what?

What to do? Looking at my to do list, I have still somethings that need to be done, but somehow feel like holding onto it for now. I think I shall give myself another day or so before completing it.

Waiting. I don't like waiting. Still, waiting is what I have to do for literally everything. Wait for the kids to get ready, for school to start, the car to be serviced, to do my shopping, for my pimple to pop out, someone to write back....

Cold? It is such a cool, cool morning. I am wearing this t-shirt which is comfy and warm..

Juggling time? Which thing shall I do first, second, third... If the time allocated is too long, what else could I do in between?

Food? What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner...

Growing Older? My face is getting droopy. Thank God the rest of me has not followed suit...

Smiling more? Since my face is getting droopy, I guess I need to smile more to "bring it up"? Haha! Contentment?

More about changes....

1. Don't be afraid to take big steps if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in 2 small steps. - David Lloyd George

2. What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do. - Author Unknown

3. Today is the day in which to express your noblest quality of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed. - Grenville Kleiser

4. The will to do, the soul to dare. - Sir Walter Scott

5. The hard part of making good is that you have to do it everyday. - Author Unknown

6. Habit is stronger than reason. - George Santayana

Too much, too deep, too soon?

Why do you remain silent?
I feel like an accused,
And yet I do not know what of.
I'd really like to explain,
But I don't even know my crime.

Have I hurt you?
Have I lied?
Can I be given the chance to confess?
Can I be given a "fair trial"?
Would you even let me say that I am sorry?
Do I even dare to ask that you forgive me?

How can I share my heart, my opinion, my confidences again?
I thought you understood, that you cared enough to confront me,
But now I only feel judged.
I thought I was somehow invincible,
But now I feel like I'm an untouchable!

For me, my greatest loss is.... you.
That person who loves without fear or favour.

More Flashbacks!

Josh back in 1994, then in 1998!











































Josh in Singapore in 2000

















Josh and Joel in Penang (Mutiara) and on the ferry back in 2002






































This one was taken in 2003 in Pulau Tioman!
























This one was taken in 2004.


Ok, so they aren't very good photos but it just shows one thing. The phuas love beaches, the sea etc..

Can't you see?

I am waiting, says the Lord
But you just don't see me.

I do love you, says the Lord
But you just don't feel me.

I know you are trying, says the Lord
But why use your own strength?

I am waiting, says the Lord
Won't you just stop and see?

I am hurting, says the Lord
But you just don't know me.

You say you want to get close,
But you keep running further away.

I love you, says the Lord
Stop, turn and look into my heart!
You will know that it's true
I do love you.

Silly, athletic me!

As I have been telling some of my church clan, have been having this something playing in my mind since Sunday Worship whilst His Love was being sung. It was a picture, scene, recording, imagination, vision what-cha-ma-call-it of me dancing, leaping, doing all sorts of things that I in my current state would not be able to do! I believe that it meant pure joy in my spirit but it makes me feel like I really wanna leap, dance, do cartwheels and whatever as we sing unto God!

I was smiling as I told God that I'd be able to do all that in heaven! It was a good feeling indeed, to even imagine that I could worship the Lord this way... Maybe, just maybe, the Lord was telling me that THAT was what my spirit was actually doing in worship to Him???? Ok, it's just a thought...

I had always been conscious of my appearance. I used to be laughed at and teased by my sisters and they dubbed me "vain pot" many a time. There is no real point to make here but just to tell a story as I remembered it. I was allergic to something in some fruits like mangoes, rambutans. Perhaps it was the insecticide, fertilizer whatever but it made my upper lip swell up beautifully!This condition would last like a day or less but it caused great distress to the owner of the upper lip! (Basically it was an Anita Sarawak or Donna Summer look, only worse!) I would just cry and cry and cry some more when it happened and lock myself in my room and simply refuse to come out. I refused school at least once which got my sisters all angry with me (not to mention my mom!) and they'd ask that I show them my face and would gently remind me that the more I cried, the worse the swelling would be and that it would prolong the condition as well! Guess what that made me do? .... cry some more la!

Well, thankfully for the vain pot, this phenomenon left and has not returned since. I wonder if stopping to bite open rambutans or washing fruit before eating it had anything to do with it???

Flashback!

Just some photos I thought to include.

They were taken in Poring, KK back in 2003.
My 2 brave boys trekked about 20 minutes up and 20 minutes down... not bad for 4 year old Joel. He didn't need to dukung-ed!

Prema's her name...

This is an article regarding the death of the NS trainee in Kelantan. Her name's Prema.

So much for the NS experience...

I heard terrible news today that another death had occurred in the NS camp that my niece is in. Today, while they were at their 2 day camp (dunno where) one of the girls fainted in the campsite toilet and drowned in the toilet water. What a needless death! I really cannot imagine how such a thing could happen.

Last week, when she returned to camp, she found out that one of the guys there had also drowned when swimming during the CNY break. They were already greatly saddened by that news and now, in less than a week, this happens.

I can only imagine what the family of the two deceased teenagers must be going through. So many thoughts and "what-ifs" playing relentlessly in their minds. As for the rest of us, it's shock and horror, followed by relief and then immediately guilt? A life has been lost and it could just as well have been someone you knew and loved, yet we still are relieved it isn't one of ours? Selfish? Extremely so. I hate the feeling and wish to banish the thought. Darkness seems to get a kick out of these feelings which I would label as primal. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say to beware and not to take a thought and dwell/verbalize it, as then, we would have personalized it and made it our own.

I am deeply shocked and find it very hard to accept this death as a mere accident. I hope that the parents would carry out a detailed enquiry to discover how such an "accident" could have happened.

changes, changes...

Some quotes on change...

1. change is the only constant
2. change is good
3. to remain young, one must change
4. change the fabric of your own soul and your own visions, and you change all.
5. you must scale the mountain if you want to view the plain.
6. change is the only evidence of life
7. life is the sum of all your choices
8. Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
9. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
10. It is in the changing that one finds purpose.

The loves in my life...

I have so many people in my life whom I love and who love me. I feel so richly blest. See, such statements don't begin to express what I feel. I find that of late, my vocabulary seems limited and simply is not able to convey my thoughts nor express my feelings accurately. It is quite frustrating.

I was just thinking of the many loves of my life, and by that I mean people whom I love and it made me feel that my life is indeed very full. Do they love me back? I guess most do.

As I place them one by one before God in my mind, I can feel some of their struggles, sadness, worries, fears, concern... it is as though I know their heart but can't read their minds. I wonder why that is.

I see some unhappy ones and my heart goes out to them. I wonder at times when they will find release. I want to awaken some others to see who they really are in Christ. I pray for the salvation of many loved ones and loved ones of my loved ones. Still others, I pray for the Lord to give me patience to love them even more. Then, there are those whom I thank the Lord for as they are my source of encouragement and inspiration. My heart also want to reach those who are afraid, oh so afraid to be alone... they just don't realise that they aren't.

The Lord loves me and those whom I love, so much more than I could or even think and imagine. It makes me feel rather shallow for writing this down. So, why did I even write this down? I want to remember the ones whom I love. I want to celebrate them. I pray I can show them the love better than I can write.

Another one for my to-do list?

In loving memory of Philip Goh Toh Fook...

Yesterday the church gave Philip Goh a sending off. I want to write this down before it gets foggy and other things bog me down. Philip and Eva (Ee Wah) were the people who came alongside PCK and I when my parents-in-law first accepted Christ. They lovingly cared for them, took them for meals, ferried them to church and back for all sorts of senior citizens activities organised by the church. They drove them to cell group meetings and back, visited them regularly and were one of the people alongside the seapark chinese congregation who cared for my in laws and "fed" them spiritually as well as offered them practical love.

I am so grateful to them for their ministry to my in laws for it takes much time, effort and money to care for others in this manner. They then had young school going children and could have spent their time doing many other things but they chose to care for the senior citizens.

When my inlaws were more settled into the church life, they slowly went on to care for others and were even then already very involved in so many other ministries including the worship ministry.

It has been many years now and they had since then moved to the Puchong congregation to serve there. In the course of those years, I have had the privilege of serving alongside them in some of the churchwide worship sessions. We do not keep in touch so to speak and thus I do not know Philip or Eva well but have always held them in high esteem and they've been an encouragement to me because I see their faithfulness and passion. I also see us in a way as "rakan seperjuangan" each in our respective ministries, feeling the connection, knowing that we have things of God to do and thus do not have the time to meet one another as we would have liked to, yet not holding it against one another. I don't know exactly how to put it in words, this feeling.

When I heard the news of Philip's passing, I was stunned and immediately thought of Eva, It isn't that he was a close friend or someone I saw regularly, but being from the same church, although serving in different centres, I could still feel a deep sense of loss and sadness.

Thinking back now, I do feel some regret now, as I shall not be able to see Philip anymore here on earth and as a wife, I can only imagine Eva's loss and grief of a soul mate, friend, lover, business partner and "rakan seperjuangan" in God's Kingdom. The children were absolute gems and the way Grace, Richard and Aaron supported her throughout this time is simply beautiful! They are such pillars of strength to Eva. Even in their grief, they are able to surround their mother and one another with love and devotion.

Also, the entire family also showed up in church on sunday itself, even before Philip's funeral. Aaron served in the worship team, whilst Grace danced for the father. They also prepared a lovely multimedia presentation in memory of their dad! All the time, Richard was right beside Eva.

Philip was supposed to have worship led yesterday and the entire Puchong congregation, to me, honoured the memory of their beloved deacon and the Lord by continuing to serve in the service despite their loss.

Dear brother Philip, you are loved and shall be missed dearly!

(This entry has not been thoroughly thought through but I wanted to put in my thoughts soonest)