New Year Resolutions?

I have now been blogging for more than 2 years!!! Wow! Congrats, me!

Went through the last two years' December entries and noted the "moods" of the entries. Hmm... how can I describe it? Well, entries in 2004 were more upbeat whilst the 2005 ones were more sedate. I guess that my father in law's heart attack last year had a greater impact on me than I recalled. Thankfully, I had blogged about it so I can review them now.

About my father in law, I do love him and although he isn't my dad, he has shown me kindness, love, his humor and honesty and is dear to me. We share much together although not regularly, all sorts of things including some rather candid views about family members. Yet, we don't "tell" on each other, so there is this bond that we have. Perhaps as a daughter in law, I do have certain privileges and am given more liberties. Some might see this as a downside but I choose to see it as the former.

I have done almost everything I had wanted to do for this year. I am also thankful that in this year, the Lord had answered so many of my prayers in one way or another. He is so so good to me! He has allowed me to see things come to pass and made me remember what I had asked of Him in prayer months and even YEARS earlier! I can only smile and thank Him from the bottom of my heart for His faithfulness.

On a different note, I am now going to spell out some of the New Year Resolutions I hope to keep this coming year. Why? I hope that by writing them down, I might be led by guilt or whatever into keeping at least some of them!

1. dress better and "do" myself up better (tall order!)
2. get more things done in one day (do-able in the first week or two!)
3. exercise daily (hah!)
4. eat more healthy food (this is a killer!)

Ok, so I do sound a tad cynical about my own ability to keep these resolutions. I think I'd be worse off if I didn't jot them down.

Why reso 1? Man looks at outward appearances.... As we minister to humans, we need to give them someone pleasant (at least!) to stare at.

Why reso 2? It looks like a busy year ahead for me both in the home front as well as in ministry, so I want to pack more things in in one day.

Why reso 3? I have stationary bike in my living room which threatens to be a clothes hanger! My hubby would have prophesied correctly so I must prove him wrong! Besides, I am fighting gravity as well at 40+...

Why reso 4? It would help me with reso 1 and 3. I would not however, be compromising on quality and taste.

Tada.

Cold, cold Shanghai!

Right: PCK just had to photograph this signboard.. in case you tak faham, it means that the elevator is FOR THE DISABLED...

Below: Some pretty pansies which both Joel and I love so that's why we took this picture..

Right: Two very unhappy refugees looking at signboard at Science Museum on a Monday morning...

(we went again on Wednesday so they did get to see it!)

Right: Joel at a wall completely
made of 2 different types
of hedge plants. So nice!

Below: Josh and I at a monster display a fancy smancy
part of town just before we had our siu loong pau lunch!

Above: Here we are bundled up and in front of one of
the Nanjing Road shopping malls.
Yes, we MUST do the shopping malls!

Below: A signboard next to the lake in Century Garden.
It's supposed to be a favourite place during the weekends
for the Shanghai-nese. There are bicycles of all sorts for
rent here too!

Above: The river just outside Century Garden.

Above: My 2 refugees outside the train station nearest the famous Pearl Tower.


Above: The Godparents with the 2 refugees at the Bund... Brrr!

Below: The first HSBC Bank Building. It's really old but well preserved!

A borrowed thought... about women

Reese Witherspoon said something that made so much sense the other day (when The Oprah Show aired about the movie, Walk the Line).

She talked about how far women have come from the so called "dark ages" and in much of the world today (but pointedly, still not all!) women are give "equal" rights such as the right to vote, equal pay, etc.

Our sisters in many parts of the world still struggle with discrimination and oppression, cultural "disadvantages" and the like. They are caught in polygamous marriages, payment of exorbitant, continuous dowry by their spouse and family and much worse. Thus, the struggle is ongoing but in the more developed nations, women lead pretty "equal" lives with their counterparts and are an icon, a glimmer of hope to the rest.

Sorry, but I got sidetracked there... Back to my point... Reese Witherspoon (yes, she also acted in Legally Blonde, ironically) remarked that there are women today who have a great influence over their younger counterparts, ranging from teenyboppers, tweens, SYTs (sweet, young things) I call them, and as inevitable role models to the young, have chosen the image of "bimbos" or "dumb blondes" or "sex kittens" simply put, for fame and fortune.

Make no mistake, these women, celebrities in their own right are beautiful, smart and "street" savvy people but they have made the conscious decision to use their good looks, a large helping of sex appeal and the image of a dumb, shallow minded person to become rich and famous. And they seem proud of this. To me, it has caused a downward spiral in the "quality" of entertainment of today.

Reese added that she feared for her young daughter who have these "women of today" as role models and that it mocks and belittles women. The many generations of women before us, worked so hard to get us to where we are today. These are women who gave their lives, our mothers, our grandmothers who stood up for their right only to be "sold for a song", "cheapened" by their own kind.

What message are we sending our daughters then? Women are only meant to look good, be idolised as sex objects and do not need to use their brains... that brains are not important? All the lives of women who fought so hard to be heard and taken seriously, lost for this?

I want to challenge us to re-think what we should do with this "not-so-new" insight... if you haven't already thought about it. Let's build our own value system on "solid ground" and embrace our rich heritage that was bought with much blood, sweat and tears.

The Vacation and other stories...

Our church's putting up a musical 15 and 16 Dec from 7pm onwards! Come one, come all!

You'll need tickets although admission's free. There's a reason for this but you'll need to come to find out what it is! Most of the information is on the poster already, so squint and see!

Windy weather and "shit-ty" cats!

It has been raining BUCKETS of late! I think the monsoon season really hit Subang this year far worse than the previous years! I like the cool weather and the fact that I don't need to water my plants, shower 3-4 times a day but it is ridiculous when the guard house roof gets completely blown off!

Yes, it is rather windy and it can only be called a storm when the roads look more like rivers and at 40 km per hour, one simply can't see further than one's car bonnet when driving! I am now especially thankful that I drive a 4x4! And they tell me Subang is high ground!

Some "noteworthy" developments in my household includes two disturbing facts. Firstly, my dog is super "manja" since her attack BUT has now resorted to sleeping on the couch when we aren't looking!! Bad, bad, bad! So we need to undo a bad habit there!

Secondly, my supposedly wonderful cat has lost her status of privilege (getting to hang around in our bedrooms) ... What did she do? She "PS-ed" (shit!) smack in the middle of my bed yesterday!! On my beautiful, "ng seh tuck yoong", brand new comforter cover given to me as Christmas present last year by my good friend in Shanghai. She had it specially made for me, to match the bedsheet, pillowcases, etc and I was just keeping it, not wanting to use it up till now and this happens! (By the way, it is soft white cotton with 2 light shades of green leaves embroidered on)

Aiyoooh, and pck nearly slept on it! He is blind as a bat once his glasses are off and yes, he does take them off when he plonks himself on the bed!!!! Ewwwww, it would have been far worse if he had kena-ed it! I dare not think of the cat stew we would have had to eat if he had!!!!! He would have killed her, after he regained consciousness, threw up, etc... yes, he is rather icky about blood, gore and such but far worse is....... faeces!

So, yes this is life of late in the phua household...

About looks & sisters..

There is this thing people keep on spending much time, money, effort, emotions, etc. over.... our appearance. It is so important to look good, look young, look this, look that.. yes, i am one of those who happen to care too...

My concern is not if it matters, it does but how much does it really matter to us?

Comfort and beauty is important to me. If I had only one choice to make, it'd be comfort. Perhaps some people may not agree with me. Ok, so I do wear heels but I am particular that the footwear gives me good support, somthing I can wear for at least 4 hours non-stop without killing me, for example.

One's age seems to be important in so far as corresponding looks are concerned I guess. For example, one would not want to look 40 when you are 14... Conversely, one would not look good being 40 and trying to look 14....

I face some questioning every time people see me and my 4th sister with me. Almost always the question would be "Oh you are sisters! Which one of you is older?" My sister happens to be a head turner then and now.. She also happens NOT to look her age! The rest of us, mere mortals, have had bask in the shadow of her beauty so to speak.. but see, the thing is this... she happens to be beautiful inside as well as out, so we are blessed to be related even! ;-)

It is interesting though, to see how people react to my "tantrums" once this question is posed and how they try to "get out" of it, so to speak! Yes, I do make a ruckus even if it's only a slight one. Perhaps, the first time I was asked, it did upset me a tad, I must admit but I have since rationalised that I look more ahem "mature" even when I was younger... born "lau lang" so to speak..

So, how important is appearance? God says that He does not look at the outward appearance but at our hearts. We too must be careful not to allow ourselves to be carried into putting more importance into our appearance than what we fill in our hearts.. I love my sister to bits, am ever grateful to her for her love, support, generosity, humor, prayers and petitions on my behalf, her wisdom, encouragement, guidance, rebuke even at times and her insight into my life! I am truly blest to have such a "beautiful" God-given sister!

Sungguh meng-embarrassing-kan....

ok, here's why my DISC Profiling went whacko... aunty dunno how to subtract...

so, actually there is NO CHANGE in my profiling from 2003. I remain a CSDI..

phew...

Jekyll & Hyde???

I think my church elder said this about Personality Profiling...

• temperament of a person doesn't change
• character comprises temperament and personality
• in order to become Christlike, our character should, as we grow, inevitably be take on that of His..
• which means that our character ie.. the personality portion can change somewhat?
  

ok, i hope i got it right.... am confused and to think that i have attended a course on this! ok, it was back in 2003, but you'd think i'd know these things... sheesh! not too pleased with my lack of noodles right now!

anyways, my old self (back in 2003) was CSDI and now, like last night it's IDCS??? what gives??? it's almost a mirror image! me... an "I" person! noooooooooooooooooooo!

dr jekyll and mr hyde???

Random ramblings..

I am out of words these days.. sorta a quiet season for me. I am happy. I am contented. There are things to do. There are things to plan and prepare for. There is peace in my heart too. I relish this peace I have.

My fingers, they ache occasionally and today it sorta froze (much like a cramp) when I carried something that were too heavy or "wrongly" in one hand. It was a sharp pain, followed by inability to manipulate my middle finger. I guess I was just too fast for my own hand..

It was rainy too. I got caught in the rain whilst at my regular hypermarket. It was also raining when I dropped off stuff at my sister's. It was drizzling when I got to mum's place too. It was good to down a hot cuppa while I was there.

I am also catching up with some shows I got some time ago. The Raya holidays got me started on them. I should be done these next few days. I like to catch some telly before I retire for the night.

I made "Buttered Cereal Prawns" tonight for the first time. It would have been tastier if my prawns were more crispy. I know what to do next time.

We got Joel his first ever Uno Cards (H2O type) on Sunday at ToysRUs. It's some cool transparent plastic cards. I like them too. They were double the price of the normal Uno Cards but I hope they are hardier..

I passed Joshua, The Screwtape Letters to read since he enjoyed C S Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia but he said that he found it disturbing and didn't want to continue to read them. I let him be. I haven't read it myself so I suppose I ought to read it first then. Thing is, I am not so into fiction these days. I can't believe I said that but yes, I have not read any fiction for about a year already.. No wait, I read Pilgrim's Progress about 4-5 months ago.. I guess that counts as fiction..

The mornings are starting earlier and the evenings are growing darker earlier too. As I went to get Josh today after school, it was almost dark at 7pm. It surprised me but I guess it shouldn't, it being December and all..

I am going to finish yet another movie...

Almost as good as new!

Tessa is almost as good as new now. We had her 2 stitches removed today and she is all active and near her usual spirited self again! Her hair's much shorter and quite unattractive as I cropped it off to keep her from getting more dirty than she already was! Trouble is, we can't give her that much needed wash till at least 2 days later... sigh.. her bau is the kind that only a mother can love!!! bleh!

A most traumatic evening...

My Tessa was badly hurt by my neighbour's mongrel just this evening.

She was patrolling the back portion (ie. that little 13 inch width space separating my back door and the back lane of my house) when the neighbour's maid came out to keep clothes. Two of the neighbour's dogs (female, whom henceforth I shall term, "bitch" and her son) ran out. There is some history to this but I shall skip that cos hati sakit.

The bitch lunged at my back gate (which was barricaded by plastic mesh) and tried to get my dog but failed. She then moved to another portion of the fence and managed to get underneath my fence and got Tessa, dragged her out from under the fencing and across a drain to the back lane.

A struggle between maid and her bitch ensued whilst Tessa was firmly planted in the bitch's jaws! All this time, i was frantically desperately, madly trying to open my back door to get to the back portion of the house! Screaming hysterically watching in horror as my dear dog was being torn apart by the bitch!

Finally i got out to the back portion of the house and opened the back gate too. The bitch after being held down by the maid and me (holding her hind legs whilst maid was in the thick of it!) finally, finally, finally somehow released Tessa. By then Joshua has arrived at the scene and I asked him to grab Tessa. Tessa though bit him pulak! I suppose because she was in pain where he grabbed her. Then the stupid bitch promptly pee-ed on me! I let go of her hind legs when she let go of Tessa and finally, finally, finally the maid got the dogs back into their holding area aka compound and I grabbed my Tessa too!

Thankfully, Josh's wound wasn't but a graze and after tending to him and cleaning his wound, I found Tessa to see the "damage". She was bleeding slightly but I couldn't see where and I daren't touch her for fear of hurting her further. Got her towel and wrapped her up and we went to the vet's.

These things seem to always happen on holidays or the eve of holidays and thankfully, the vet was still open in Taipan. There were a couple of puncture marks in her belly and side. She got 2 stitches on her belly and antibiotics, anti-inflamatory medicine and because the vet will be away for like 5 days, she told me to look out for internal injuries.

Tessa got home and then I noticed that she was not using one of her hind legs. She is mostly motionless which is very rare for Tessa if you know her vibrant, busy, active self and will remain rooted to the spot unless I call her. We also have to put a special E-collar for her to stop her from biting her stitches. That adds to her discomfort. She can no longer move freely in and out of the grills and for tonight is confined to her bed.

She keeps staring at me with doe eyes, attempts to jump but it looks rather feeble. I think her body must hurt like mad. Will need to observe overnight for internal injury but I am rather concerned as I see one bad sign which the vet asked me look out for, and that is laboured breathing. I have not noticed her breathing before and just now when I got home from LCG Combo night at Teng's, she seemed to be breathing rather differently... I pray she will last the night. The vet seems to think she'll be ok but I would feel much better if she is better tomorrow too. The thing is, it's Deepavali and no one's working tomorrow.. Poor, poor Tessa...

I hope the maid, who also got bitten will be feeling better tomorrow too... Poor, poor maid. She must be as traumatized as I am, if not more...

Display passion...

I was told today to display my passion for God... to infect others, with it...

Display Godly PASSION, excitement, to stir others up! Nanti everyone ter-panic, how?

How shall I do this? Where? Despite my personality? To be a functional "I" personality?

Will take it under advisement and immerse it in prayer...

Breathe....

I am getting too emotional. Stop. Breathe..

Garden of Gethsemane....

I'm beginning to appreciate just a little of what Jesus must have been going through when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. The agony of knowing what is ahead, the dreading, asking God to relieve him of what he had to do for us.

Many a time when I have a difficult thing to do, I gripe to God about it and then gripe some more. If I can procrastinate, I do but most times I can't.

Making a stand on a decision that was not mine alone, I am now in that Garden. Simply bringing up an issue for decision and standing by the decision that was made en bloc makes me feel like I am in my very own Garden. Of course, I can't compare myself with what Jesus went through there, but like I said, I can now have a glimpse from the window of my broken heart of what He must have felt like.

So who's crucifying me? Not those who worked, not those who slaved, they did it for God. It's the onlookers, the watchers, waiting to judge while they predict the next doomsday and say, "I knew it would happen!" Loving that feeling of thinking they are right. "That's why, I never got involved, so I wouldn't get my hopes up too high", while still others, simply stay away, afraid they'd be implicated and lastly, those who fear the wrath of those who watch and judge.

I wonder who I am doing this all for? For a split second, I forget. Then, it's back to Gethsemane for me to do what I must....

Some difficult questions...

Many of us have hard to ask and hard to answer questions which we wish we could settle in our hearts. Here are some places one can go look and find some of the answers, answers which we may or may not like to hear...

1. PC Gamers can get reviews on games
2 Masturbation
3 Pornography

Overall, I have found this site good for all sorts of questions that believers may have and be too embarrassed to ask about. I haven't read every single entry in their free advice columns but the ones I have read are helpful.

Hmmm, what else ah...
4. Eating disorders - bulimia
5. Dating

Prayers are like fishing nets...

The state of Hawaii recently mandated bigger holes in the fishing nets used in pacific waters. The law was supposed to help small fish grow into larger ones. This is good news if you're a fish, at least if you are a relatively small fish. Our prayer life can be likened to those fishing nets.

Some of our prayer nets have large holes due to the infrequency of our prayers. They need adjustment and a tightening to the overall pattern. Other people have holes torn by life's difficulties or worse, by sin.

Most of us pray, yet the Bible teaches that we "have not, because we ask not" (James 4:2). A haphazard prayer life is like a loosely woven fishing net. Nets like this let all but the largest fish escape. But worse than this is when we sometimes refuse to pray. Refusal usually follows anger toward God or feelings of guilt over our sin. When we stop praying althogether, it is as if we are working with torn nets, which let all the fish escape.


(Excerpt from Prayer: Dare to Ask by Ralph Moore)

Hearsay...

I heard that a certain pastor put down another person's church (rightly or wrongly) and received applause for it...

I heard that he asked believers who weren't happy with their own church to go to his church instead and he received applause for it..

I heard that he told Christian girls that they could wear anything they liked because if they caused someone to stumble, it was because that person was weak.

Some people have to make others look bad in order for them to look good?
Some people need to steal sheep from other churches?
Some people are teaching the Bible incompletely/selectively?

Of course, this is all hearsay....

.... But I wonder why whenever this preacher is in town, there is this certain emotion evoked in some people where they wish they were in his church? Some good fruit eh?

... But I thought it was to build up believers to be united, to refresh those who were serving, to give new ideas insight, to edify the body of Christ?

Seeds of discontentment...

Seeds of discontentment are like weeds. Unless we pull it out by the roots, they'll keep coming back at you like boomerangs.

I wish no one sowed seeds of discontentment. My wish of course, will not come true.

So, what can we do about this pesky prickly particularly pokey predicament? I sure as heaven don't know. It just makes me discontent with the discontented. After much persuasion, gentleness, firmness, love, attention, affirmation, encouragement I see myself no better than when I first started. It's like a cycle and I really just want to get off the merry-go-round and be on my way to conquer new ground for Christ. This seems like Moses' desert.

Seeds of discontentment are sown when we cannot accept what God says in His Word. We try to find someone somewhere out there to tell us that what God says in His Word just isn't right or should be interpreted this way or that way instead. We want to believe that God REALLY didn't mean this when He said it. It actually meant that instead. When we hear what we WANT to hear, that preacher is the best! We don't bother to filter, consider or even read the bible for ourselves... cos we might just read WRONGLY, interpret WRONGLY what God is saying to us!

We just don't like to be told to do something we don't like to do, not even by God. Hey! God doesn't need to consult us when He put the Bible together! He doesn't need to win no popularity contest! He doesn't need to justify to me or anybody else what He says in His Word.

When a still small voice in you speaks, don't shut Him off! Don't allow the seeds of discontentment any room to grow. Quash them today.

Do I really want to be saved?

What am I wanting to be saved from? This world? This beautiful worldly world with so much to offer? It comes as a package deal with only one instruction at the bottom of the box.

"Do what you like!"

What a great deal! What a wonderful instruction! Just what I've always wanted to do! Exactly what I like!

As I grow older, I will leave my parents and then, I can enjoy and fully utilise this package to its fullest! I could go out with my friends as late as I want! No curfews! I could go any place I please. Oh, I would have to get a job first.... hmm, anything that would give me my freedom. Just enough money so I can do what I like. Great! Things would be even better as I grow older, and I would earn more money and then I could continue to expand my horizons of doing all that I would like to do!

Hmmm, what else would I like to do? Go out with anyone I like. Spend my time anyhow I please. What if my friends don't like to do the same stuff? Never mind them! Make new friends! Wow! That sounds even better! Would I like to settle down first? Maybe not just yet... I'd like to REALLY get to know some guys first! I am not terribly good looking but I guess if I were "entertaining" enough, I could hold their attention! I wouldn't worry about getting hurt, cos I would probably dump them first anyway!

Isn't this a great life to have? Now, why in the first place would I want to be saved from it? I could do everything I always wanted and be who I wish to be and that's my goal in life!

Why would I want to wreck everything by putting God into the equation and really "spoiling" all of my well laid plans of freedom and total liberty? Wouldn't I be daft? Why exchange this package deal with the Christ package? What has He to offer me that could possibly be better?

Let's review this... Oh yes, there's eternal life... heaven. Great! That's like 100 light years from now... And then, there's obedience.. with a book full of instructions. There's this Holy Spirit living in me, telling me what is good for me and I should heed His voice. Then there's God who created the whole world and me and everyone else. Next, we have all of God's people whom we are to meet regularly whether we like them or not. Lastly, we have the extra job of saving everyone else too!

Why on earth would anyone in their right mind want to be saved?

A matter of priorities...

As a mentor to my loved ones, I sometimes wonder the extent to which I am at liberty to truly share my thoughts, opinions with some.

I am pretty new to this mentoring scene, coming into it feeling a great sense of lack. I was finally put at ease (in a manner of speaking) when I finally read more about "mentoring", that frightening buzz word that seems to be all encompassing in nature...

The thing is, I had no formal mentor so I kinda understand and don't understand it when people tell me that they see a lack in their own walk with God as they too have no mentor.

My mentors were authors of various books, my family members, older men and women who passed on their wisdom and insight, pastors, speakers and Godly people who I am blessed enough to have touched my life. I had no one specific although once, a particular Godly man offered to be one to my hubby and I. We were unable at that time to commit to it, sadly.

What does one do when we can't find a mentor, a time slot, someone to trust and look up to? The key to me are our response to these 2 questions.

How hungry are we for God?
Do we even expect to receive anything?

We prioritise our lives on things that matter most to us, not what we think we ought to. That's a fact.

For example, I could see if a person is earnestly looking for God and expecting to receive, through their everyday actions or lack of it. If they come to me and want help, to walk alongside them, they'd definitely receive something at the end of each session. If they come to me and do not receive much, if anything at all, i would ask myself if they were looking at all... I am not being arrogant here. You see, i am but His vessel and only if you draw from me, can you receive.

I drew from the pastors, older men and women and even books that i read. I went expectantly, knowing, praying that God would speak to me somehow, and He did. I was and still am desperate to know Him more.. He wouldn't sell us short if we desire good things and desire Him. He's just that kind of a generous God.

In turn, I can now move albeit slowly but surely, confidently presenting myself as His vessel. I simply invite anyone to draw from me..

So, the question isn't if one needs a mentor, but ...

How hungry am I for God?
Do I even expect to receive anything?

A matter of perspective...

This is what I think is faithfulness and love...

1. An elder preaching despite being ill.
2. Pastors remembering their sheep's birthday.
3. Pastors speaking appreciation and also words of caution when needed.
4. A whole congregation who come to church every single Sunday.
5. Sunday school teachers who love the children TONS! (Don't know how they do it!)
6. Ladies who come alongside one another in time of need.
7. Men who are available at any time to be that handy man or Mr. Fix-it in church.
8. People of all ages who willingly and happily pray for one another, the first chance they get.
9. People of all ages who serve in spite their busy schedules, to fix drinks, to prepare communion, to open the doors in church for us, to tape sermons, to bring in the toilet paper, to fetch drinks for the speaker, the drinking water, to give us a variety of food week in and week out, ushers who do not hesitate to use the umbrella on rainy days to ferry members from their cars to the church, without so much as a complaint.
10. The young ones showing respect to those who are older by appreciating and serving them by shutting their mouths at the right time.

Sometimes, we take some things for granted. For instance, we have a tendency to take other believers for granted, especially those in our own church. We take our pastors, our leaders, our friends, for granted. We think that they OUGHT to know us, OUGHT to understand us and OUGHT to do their "jobs" BETTER...

We forget to love them back, to care for them back. Worse still, we begin to compare them to some other church and their congregation. How the other church has some better program or speaker or idea or building or whatever... We just don't see the whole picture with our very limited perspective. We can only see things from our point of view and forget that it isn't the ONLY perspective.. I don't doubt that other churches have good programs, speakers, ideas or buildings, or whatever... Simply that, the other church wouldn't love us the way this church does. They wouldn't know us the way this church does. They wouldn't understand us the way this church does.... not at this very moment.

It's like looking at another person's marriage and seeing their marriage from your perspective. They SEEM happier, more fullfilled, more communicative, more loving, more everything...

Let's look at ourselves. Are we putting into the marriage, the same amount of energy, the same amount of love, the same amount of attention, or commitment, or whatever? Building relationships require our effort, albeit the effort the size of a mustard seed but still.... effort. God cannot multiply what isn't there...

We ARE in the business of building relationships in our church. That's what God placed us here at such a time as this for... So, let's start building it, instead of tearing it down with our words, our minds and our hearts. It borders infidelity and coveteousness to me sometimes... Instead, let's look at our church from a fresh perspective and see all that is good within us, just as God sees us and continue building it without further delay!

Lord, I pray that we'll see ourselves from your eyes and your perspective, and behold only that which is good, and do away with what isn't, by your strength and wisdom. Amen.

This is what I see from my very limited perspective...

Treasures from above...

I store up a smile, an understanding look into my memory,
I deposit a kind word, a song, a beautiful scene
be it one of nature or one between mother and child into my heart,
I reserve poems, hand-made cards, a gesture, a favour or even an opinion
given truthfully up within my consciousness,
All may be forgotten over time but would have already done
it's delicate and needed work to build my heart..

Last night, I received great treasures of more warmth, love,
hugs and encouragement than I could almost hold,
From those whom I love dearly and those I have yet to know well,
Given to me till overflowing, 'twas my cup of blessings
And as it runneth over, it keepeth my heart, oh so tender
and all the more convinced,
That my family, my real church is in the heart of those
who love through Christ (who made it a reality)
And that we do not labour in vain for Him and His purposes
as long as we stand together in His name!

In thankfulness and with great humility I receive your love,
oh Lord in the manner that you delivered it!
I am overcome by this treasure! You continue to surprise me.
Your love is truly inspiring!

.... and yes, it was anything but a quiet birthday!

Some pre-birthday reflections..

1. Being a christian simply means that I have a relationship with God. I am a Christian.

2. My worthiness is not measured by my usefulness in God's Kingdom. I struggle with the idea that I am unworthy to receive from the Lord. Yet, through Christ I am made worthy.. This equation still boggles my mind.. it isn't easy for me to accept even though it is true. I am one who likes to be doing rather than be being.. I'd like to think that I am driven, although some may feel that I drive them up the wall! *tongue in cheek*

3. Quote from a good friend named Mary T Lee...."Number (one's age) is only a figure. The bigger the number, the more blessings we've received!" I think this is true.

4. I am really not big on birthdays. I'd like a quiet birthday. It's just nice to get a holiday every year and for that I am truly thankful! This year, I received a nice digital camera from my dearest of dears! Let's see if my photo taking efforts will improve!

5. I am still very much in love with my dearest of dears.... more so than ever before! It's a most wonderful feeling and reflection!

What is in my heart for the youth...

Lord, my prayer for the youth of today is that they...

1. Be firmly grounded on Your Word.
2. Be sincere worshippers who worship in spirit and in truth.
3. Possess a "tak kira" attitude in serving others and in blessing people.. "do what is good" (Titus 3: 1, 2, 8)
4. Have a smiling countenance (evidence of joy)
5. Are kind and respectful to everyone (evidence of good upbringing and healthy fear of the Lord) (Colossians 4:5-6 and Colossians 3:12)
6. Are serious about God (Titus 2: 6-8. 11-15)
7. Are doing things without expecting reward/recognition from man or God (immediate corresponding blessing in this life) (Colossians 3: 17 and 23-24)

And that they would walk with you all the days of their lives... Amen.

Being a leader..

This is what I think a leader ought to be.

1. Takes off pride (humble)
2. Kind
3. Real person (unpretentious)
4. Inspirational/encouraging (a must have!)
5. Good time manager
6. Articulate (good communicator)

I didn't get this from any book or am I planning to write one about it. Just that I think these qualities are so important to have, if we are to lead others.

Lord, let my leaders have all these qualities in greater measure. Lord, let me, too, personify that which I value!

The Atlas Syndrome...

Something I coined up to describe my great weakness...

Something I have been trying to avoid yet find so attracted to...

Something my heart says I should do...

Something that makes me feel alive and yet like dying, both at the same time...

Something the Bible repeated says not to do...

Something I fail repeatedly to see and acknowledge as sin...

As my Joel so rightly put as we sang "All things are possible" in church yesterday.. He said, "But mummy, nothing is possible except with God, trying to decipher why we were singing this chorus repeatedly without adding to it the words, "with God"!"

Lord, help me stop trying to be Atlas and allow you to work in and through me instead!

Eeeps, I forgot my username!

I have been away from my blog so long (plus the fact that "some people in my home" have been using my comp to access their stuff and thus wiped out my login info!!!!!) that i nearly couldn't get to blog!!! eeeesh!

Anyway, here are my updates:-

1. nephew getting hitched in South Africa early next year in a bushveld wedding! gotta decide whether we can afford to spend no less than RM20K to go and come back... bleh!

2. school hols are near and am gonna get kids to do some stuff for humankind.. or at least malaysians.. will see how that goes!

3. got TONS of books to read up. i re-heard Sy Rogers' testimony and was once again reminded of God's wonderful-ness as Sy talked about his own life and encounters with God. I think reading is so so so important and hearing other believers' testimonies are awfully encouraging and builds us up.

4. my to do list seems more manageable of late as I have actually been giving myself less ridiculous deadlines and tasks.. I think putting weight off myself helps me appreciate people, myself more.

5. feel more driven these days although i feel somewhat at a loss many a time..

this is my abrupt entry..

My first visit to Duolos..

We set off early this morning to visit Duolos. It was a long awaited trip as each Saturday had been filled with some activity or another and this was the last Saturday the ship would be here...

Jon and Kelly came along with us which was fun! Kelly helped us with directions as we all had absolutely no idea where we were supposed to go except it was Westport and StarCruise terminal... Thank you, Kelly! Jon was good company (as usual!) and we had a hot but "fruitful" time at the book store. I bought books and books and books.. mainly gifts and such! The prices were good and variety too! Since it was the last weekend before they left, there weren't any souvenir t-shirts for sale so all we have is the car parking butt to remind us that we visited Duolos! We also didn't manage to get anything for our resource centre..

Our treat after the excursion was Teluk Gong seafood at the famous Coconut Flower Seafood Restaurant. They served yummy fried lala meehoon which I first tasted when William's folks took us there and large portions of everything else! We couldn't finish the food we ordered but it was delicious!

That's it la.. our Saturday out...

Faithfulness in small things..

Luke 19:17 "And he said to him, 'Well done, good slave, because you have been faithful in a very little thing, you are to be in authority over ten cities."

This verse is part of the Parable of the Ten Minas and is often quoted when we talk about faithfulness and character.

For those who know me, I am one who is constantly looking, watching others in search of character... especially in men and women of God. After all, that is one of the things that sets us apart.

I believe that watching and looking out for good character is a most "beneficial" pastime. I would be reminded to thank God and also be able to encourage others with my observations.

Traditionally, some would be looking out for character too except that some look and see only bad character...

So yesterday, I saw Godly character in action! I was so pleased, grateful, thankful and proud when I spotted it!

Here's what happened yesterday... My church chairman drove up at 8.15am, which was unusual as he's usually at the mother church to attend service there. As he was not scheduled to speak at our centre either, I was pleasantly surprised to see him. He had come all the way to pass us 15 copies of the Asian Beacon for sale at our church and that was it! He dropped off the mag and was off again!

I see this as an act of faithfulness in small things and was very encouraged by his act of service and the fact that nothing was too big or too small for him to do for God!

I suppose I shouldn't be at all surprised as our pastors, leaders and even ordinary members of our congregation, for that matter already serve us in big and small ways (some of whom are "In Secret Service"!) but I choose to see this as Godly character in action and be encouraged by it!

Character.. Godly character! I am thankful to be serving alongside such greats!

Gift of Healing...

Our 9 year old Eunice Low is in need of the gift of healing and Uncle Beng has asked us as a church to stand by the family in prayer for her to receive this gift.

Eunice has a lumbar or two move from her spine's alignment. She wears a brace and I think she experiences pain when walking. The doctors have recommended corrective surgery which sounds fine except that they'll also need to remove the screws they put in now, when she is 15 years old. I don't like the idea of her having these surgeries either and wanna place my hope in God for her to receive healing.

Right now, the plan of action is to dedicate especially the 21 day United Prayer and Fast (organised by CBC) from 7-27 Aug to praying for Eunice. I think it is a good idea.

For those of us who have some doubts or questions on healing, I found this article helpful and comforting. Have a read.. http://www.contenderministries.org/biblestudy/giftsofthespirit4.php and be encouraged to pray for young Eunice with us!

How to be a better spouse..

We had Pastor Aaron Tham and his lovely wife, Constance come to speak on this topic last week and this Sunday to both our husbands and wives.

It was in Ps Mal's heart that our couples be ministered to and how right he is! The attendance was not terribly encouraging but most of the married ones turned up, so I guess I shouldn't complain. The unmarried ones either think they are alright or they don't think it would help them... Their loss..

A couple of points I think were pretty good include the idea that the ladies must learn to stop COMPARING their spouses to other seemingly more "successful" men out there. It's like when they married their darlings they were perfectly content that they got the best one in the block but suddenly a friend whips up another specimen and she's suddenly all flustered and feel that their darling ought to "show them" or they simply need to "do better"!

I think keeping up with the Jones-es is a terrible affliction many of us suffer from...

Another good point that was raised was about wives having affairs instead of the traditional idea that only men cheat on their wives. Husbands especially Christian men, need to realise that their wives are not immune to advances of other men and are tempted in the same manner as they are in the marketplace. They need to help their wives continue to feel secure and loved, treasured and adored just like anyone else..

Women are a strange bunch though. When given the opportunity to ask ANY question about men (Pastor Aaron volunteered to answer anything!) they just kept mum! Maybe too many eyes and ears around? Maybe, the COMPARING affliction is rampant in church too? So sad...

Looks like I got my work cut out for me.... Women's Ministry, anyone?

Everything we do and don't do has consequences...

It was thursday lunchtime at Apollos Coffee Shop and the boys were getting their char-siew rice before going off to school. We were talking about praying for things like, the tsunami that hit Indonesia's Jawa and the Lebanon-Israeli trouble when the younger one remarked that he was glad that the tsunami didn't hit us in Malaysia...

Well, I remarked that everything that happens around the world impacts us somehow. Although the disaster didn't hit us as a nation, it affects us nonetheless. I proceeded to explain how it would affect us, using illustrations like how an orphaned boy or even a bird dying makes a difference in our lives.

Sometimes we feel so isolated from the rest of the world and as Christians we may even feel that things that happen in other areas outside of our church existence like politics, world events, other believers' struggles might just have no consequence or impact in our lives but boy, how they do!

We are confronted with so many items in a day that we can and ought to pray for. Some of us think no more of it than as a mere "to-do" item whilst others worry and muse over about it for ten minutes or until some other seemingly more urgent matter takes over our "thought slot" or maybe call it our consciousness, much like a whistling kettle boiling profusely would shatter one's train of thought... and time passes by and all is left behind...

ok, here i am trying to write very "storybook like"! bleh!

Here's the deal. What we do or don't do counts LOTS in God's Kingdom. We decide whether we want in or out. We choose to make that difference. There is much we can and ought to do and it must begin with prayer, prayer and prayer... effective word here is BEGIN..

Today, I shall pray for (in no particular order of importance as they are all vital) -

1. the victims of the escalating violence in Lebanon and the implications relating thereto.
2. the victims and rescue efforts of the tsunami hit areas in Indonesia.
3. Malaysia as a nation and for the unreached and officially unreacheable people groups.
4. evangelism efforts in 1, 2 and 3.
5. violence in and around us including, rape, robberies, snatch thieves, domestic violence, abuse of domestic helpers, etc.
6. Lina Joy case (http://www.graceatwork.org/) and implications relating to our standing as Malaysian citizens and our constitutional freedom of choice.
7. Politicians in Malaysia who seek to reveal the truth.

Being a friend..

Many times and in the various seasons of my life, I find myself wondering who friends are and what a friend ought to be...

I don't have many friends but I do know many people and they know who I am. They have shared much of my present, or past and many have touched my life in a special way and I treasure their presence in my life.

But who is a friend really?

Dictionary.com says that a friend is...
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

By this definition, I suppose I do have many friends..

To pursue this further, would I then have different categories of friends? I suppose there should be good, very good, extremely close, new, old, etc. friends and then there will be acquaintances, people I know, people who know me or know of me?

I would define a friend as something MORE than what is defined in the dictionary...

I see a friend as someone who...
- knows me as well as i know him/her or at least attempts to..
- does not have any other motive of spending time with me aside from simply enjoying my company.
- listens to me rant and rave without judging me.
- loves me for who I am and not wish I was someone else/better.
- scolds me when they see me do something stupid/wrong.
- shares their lives with me, good and bad without fearing that I would judge them.
- doesn't mind if I don't call or see them for extended periods and won't feel slighted. we ought to be able to pick up exactly where we left off the last time we spoke...
- can hold an intelligent conversation with me as well as ROTFL with/at me!
- trusts me with their heart and doesn't worry about their "place" in my life... ie, he/she doesn't need or care to compete for my affections.
- keeps all that we speak in complete confidence.

These are some of the things i see that a friend ought to be. I wonder if what i have set out is too tall an order for any one person to expect or aspire to be? I think not cos then we'd know who our friends REALLY are... It separates the men from the boys, so to speak! I don't think any one of us should have/expect anything less..

Looking back at my definition, it gives me great comfort to see that I have more friends than I thought I did.

I have been blest by the times I shared with them and how they enriched and influenced my life. I look forward to spending more time with them and being with them. Just need to appreciate them more, I guess!

No resources online!

Am dissappointed that Malaysians aren't a charitable lot when it comes to our own language and resources related thereto...

Whenever I get hopeful, I will use various search engines to search for helps like dictionaries online especially BM ones. I can't seem to find any!

I suppose charity begins at home... I may just be given enough reason to get off my behind to set up some kind of website with a potpourri of things I find lacking in the internet as my contribution to the online society.

Yes, I seem to be talking besar now.. let's see if this urge will last!

Some not-so-random thoughts...

1. Me? An agent of change? How can I be an effective agent of change in my church? Should I speak my mind? Do I start telling people what to do? Pray harder? Complain more?

2. Being an aunty isn't always fun! I am known as a policeman in church and personally, I don't like it one bit... but then again, would it serve God's purpose if I am the policeman?

3. Murmuring aka complaining aka ngam cham should be more controlled... on my part.

4. Defining my role. So what is it I do in and for church? Should there be a definitive role that I play? What difference would it make? Is it better to define my role? Can it be put into a neat compartment?

5. Mentoring. Who am I raising? Who am I bringing down by my actions or inactions?

6. What can I do in lives of those who don't love me? Who can those who need someone go to for a shoulder to cry on or a waiting ear? Can and should I be all things to all people? I can't so what happens to the others? I still care but I feel helpless.

7. Living a life pleasing to God. I don't please God when I murmur and complain and yet I do. I do feel relief after I share it with those who love me and bother about what I have to say. They bless me.

Someone stole my beloved tree!

Ok, so it isn't a LARGE tree but it was a LARGE potted plant which would grow into a tree if planted in the ground!

Cries! I am saddened by the work of the thief who carted my beautiful plant away sometime between last night and this morning! It was strategically placed outside of my gate cos I could admire it as i backed my car out of the house each morning. It brought a smile to my face! It reminded me of how lovely God's creations are and now it's GONE!!!

To beautify the pot, i had planted large japanese roses with matching colours as ground cover! Now, BOTH the flowering plants are gone!

I am sad. It was my fault for putting something of value outside. I thought the pot would be too large and heavy for anyone to cart away! Silly me!

I guess others liked the plant too...

I don't even know the name of the plant. I will have to scour for it in plant shops for a replacement. Thing is, it was a gift from someone who no longer attends my church. it was a very thoughtful gesture cos she came to my house with the LARGE pot and then smaller plant (like 3 years ago?) to present it to me cos she heard that I liked the plant.... Cries! I truly appreciated her kindness, thoughtfulness and hard work of finding the plant and lugging it over to my place!

I know a replacement would not be THE same but I would still remember when I look at it each day... call me sentimental.

Japan lost

I happened to catch the 2nd half of the oz vs japan match and was surprised that Japan was leading. i had not mentally sided any particular country this WC and was happily watching but to my dissappointment, I saw a very poor display of sportsmanship from the ang-mohs during this match!

I had not expected such a sight. of course, i know the game gets physical and usually, BOTH teams would be the same but not this time.

The worst thing is, the ones who were physically oppressive WON a landslide victory! What would anyone learn from this kinda score? That the STRONGEST team wins??????

I am not impressed at all.

i resurface with some updates...

1. school hols started off well. the second week though, 3 of us got hit by combinations of cough, fever, headache, runny nose...

2. josh got his 1st stiff neck on his 13th birthday! what a present!

3. we were blest with a yummy bbq cum steamboat dinner at the chois for josh and sarah's birthdays! yaaaay!

4. someone i know got breast cancer.

5. i need more patience in dealing with people, esp. non-believers.

6. i desire to draw and paint better so that i can create more beautiful cakes!

Daily Prayers Dissolve Your Cares

I meet God in the morning
And go with Him through the day,
Then in the stillness of the night
Before sleep comes I pray
That God will just "take over"
All the problems I couldn't solve
And in the peacefulness of sleep
My cares will all dissolve,
So when I open up my eyes
To greet another day
I'll find myself renewed in strength
And there'll open up a way
To meet what seemed impossible
For me to solve alone
And once again I'll be assured
I am never "on my own"...
For if we try to stand alone
We are weak and we will fail,
For God is always GREATEST
When we're helpless, lost and small,
And no day is unmeetable
If on rising our first thought
Is to thank God for the blessings
That His loving care has brought...
For there can be no failures
Or hopeless, unsaved sinners
If we enlist the help of God
Who makes all losers winners...
So meet Him in the morning
And go with Him through the day
And thank Him for His guidance
Each evening when we pray,
And if you follow faithfully
This daily way to pray
You will never in your lifetime
Face another "hopeless day."

Wise words indeed from Helen Steiner Rice. Why do we find it so hard to trust our Abba Father? How many miracles does he need to perform in our lives everyday before we can see Him for the God He truly is? Why can't we see?

Labelling...

I am a tad bit upset with comments made about things or events or people being labelled "Christian". I am talking about Christian music, Christian event, Christian... this and that by Christians themselves...

Why? I believe that as a "Christian" we ought to know that Christianity can't be turned on and off like a tap. Phrases like, "God is not interested in your spiritual life, He is interested in your life" stands out to me and makes me remember that whether we are engaged in what we label a "Christian" thing/activity or not, He is still there right beside us in our lives. Some may think that freaky but I think it's the most wonderful gift to me! See, He doesn't care if my shit's smelly, He's with me in the toilet. He is next to me as I worship Him and He's also there when I am angry with the car in front of me!

My point is, if I start to think of certain activities/things that I do as Christian and some as non-Christian, how do I draw the line? Is going to basketball a Christian event or not? oh... if you are going to be playing with church members then it's a Christian event and if you are going to play with your schoolmates, it's not. Well, I would ask myself then, would my behaviour be any different? How so? And, erm, would God be there if it were not a Christian event...

I find this labelling troubling... I am trying to eradicate being a dual personality person. That's hard cos when I talk with non-believing friends, then I would have to be much better read about current affairs, etc. whilst still making sure I put in bits with Godly values into my accounts and speech. I want to make sure my time with them counts for something in God's eyes as well as theirs, and that I have given them a true real honest to goodness witness to God whether it be in a small or big way.

In engaging with believers, I also have to do the same in many ways but I am freer to speak Jesus' name and goodness directly, etc... Even so, I do not like to limit speech to merely church related events/people but instead to enquire deeper into people's lives. Call me nosy but my aim is to enrich a life.... eheee, whether they like it or not!

I was once told by a visiting pastor's wife something precious that I try to emulate... She said that (in not so many words) everytime we speak to others, we ought to ask the Lord for words that come forth from our mouths to be meaningful, impactful (as opposed to small talk) and life-changing! That done, the person you spoke with would never be the same after that! How I wish to be as wise! Well, God certainly used this sister most meaningfully in my life! I am far from this still but I really think we all ought to do this. You needn't guess why she spoke in this manner to me on a first visit! haha!

My point is that all our life belongs to God, not only sundays and fridays but every sleeping, waking, eating, lepak-ing, shopping, tv watching, guy/girl watching, whatever moment. Every single thing we do is CHRISTIAN because that's exactly what and who we are! I wouldn't have it any other way!

seas that ebb and flow..

More and more I find the urge to speak the truth which may include an observation (in love or otherwise) truly hard to bridle. It's so bad that I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach most days. I keep getting the "wait for the right time" bath of cold water on my face still but then, the water somehow seems to dissappear the moment it touches my face!

I have held the view that I ought not tell someone something they really ought to know about themselves unless they asked my opinion. I also am wrought with "fear" of saying the wrong thing.. maybe it ain't God's word I am spewing forth, merely my own... hence I almost always instinctively hesitate. Other times, it might take me a day or two to digest things...

Why, Lord, do I now have the urge to speak out so strong? or at least at the moment I think things through? I suppose, it's cos You gave me the breakthrough in the first place? Can I trust these urges?

Many things and people seem to be so so "loose" in their thinking and behaviour these days, like God is that nice guy they know from church who never says or does anything controversial nor exciting. God spells B-O-R-I-N-G or is just a pushover. I feel powerless at times to even say anything, most times simply out of shock! Should I then apologize for speaking the truth in love? I fear God and for those people more...

So, yes, I guess, the seas have to be ebb and flow and I must obey God... that He would "back me up" (as Pastor Mal said today) as I go forth to do His Will, whether it be to be His witness to the Gentiles or to the believers alike. I shall probably quickly lose my supposed "youthful" appeal soon and perhaps end up someone others avoid like a plague! I think prophets in the olden days weren't very popular either....

my fears..

Pastor Mal talked about fear of witnessing today. (Acts 1:8 tells us that the Lord has called us to witness to all) I must admit that I too have a fear of witnessing and ultimately the fear is of being rejected or being told that I am wrong for believing in God.

He said that we ourselves need to be convinced and convicted that what and who we believe in before we can go try convince anyone else.... how true, pastor!

I have been musing over "fear" especially since I have Joel, who is fearful of the stage and performing, "fear" and "shy" has been used interchangeably sometimes...

What does "fear" stem from? Specifically I guess it's fear of failure or fear of making a mistake... and being judged or ridiculed...

I suppose I too am afraid of not being able to answer tough questions on my God and being ridiculed and falling short of the glory of God (or is it myself?). Fear of being rejected and told that I believe in what I believe and they will believe in what they believe?

I am not good at making friends, I am not a friendly sort. I like the people who I know and do not feel any lack of companionship. Comfortable? I guess so.... And are all the people in the circle of friendship, family, etc. already believers? I wish! So they are my W-I-P. So, should I then just concentrate on them and forget about the rest of the world? I wish I could but I reckon God would say "no" to that so, I suppose I shall have to keep on making new friends, whether I like it or not...

This writing is a random musing with no real point to make except to remind myself that I ought to witness despite myself and my so-called values which seems so right and comfortable but, not of God! Thank you, Lord for this timely reminder!

I knew I loved you before I met you...

I love this silly song by savage garden. It's dedicated to all the 3 guys in my life, pck, josh and joel!

I knew I loved you before i met you! ok so I get dreamy cos of the whimsical lyrics but I love it!

Another song that is especially heart warming is James Taylor's "You got a Friend"... Now that's the "our" song for pck and I.... sigh... so it ain't some romantic, mushy song but it holds many good memories and such meaning... ok, here are the lyrics...

When you’re down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know whereever I am
I’ll come running
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I’ll be there

Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you.
Well they’ll take your soul if you let them.
But don’t you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Don’t you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
All you’ve got to do is call.
I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.

I love my husband, my friend...

A prayer for the young and lovely...

Dear God, I keep praying
For the things I desire,
You tell me I'm selfish
And "playing with fire" -
It is hard to believe
I am selfish and vain,
My desires seem so real
And my needs seem so sane,
And yet You are wiser
And Your vision is wide
And You look down on me
And You see deep inside,
You know it's so easy
To change and distort,
And things that are evil
Seem so harmless a sport -
Oh teach me, dear God,
To not rush ahead
But to pray for Your guidance
And to trust You instead,
For You know what I need
And that I'm only a slave
To the things that I want
And desire and crave -
Oh, God, in your mercy
Look down on me now
And see in my heart
That I love you somehow,
Although in my rashness,
Impatience and greed
I pray for the things
That I want and don't need -
And instead of a crown
Please send me a cross
And teach me to know
That all Gain is but loss,
And show me the way
To joy without end,
With You as my Father,
Redeemer and Friend -
And send me the things
That are hardest to beat
And keep me forever
Safe in Thy care.

By Helen Steiner Rice

Some questions on my mind...

Some questions I would like to ask
1. Who is God in your life? a. vending machine b. friend c. creator d. punching bag
2. Who are you to God?
3. Is there life after death?
4. Do you think you owe anyone anything? Who and what?
5. Do you think that God owes you anything? What?
6. What do you think is your purpose in life? You mean, you've been living xx no. of years simply aimless, clueless and not curious or enquiring?
7. Who do you think your (future) spouse is? a. friend b. soulmate c. vending machine d. punching bag
8. What (can you) do you have to offer to your (future) spouse? a. brokenness b. sordid past c. your love d. faithfulness
9. What happens when your love runs out?

being judgemental vs showing grace

it's so easy for me to size/sum up a situation or evaluate things etc.. be it problems, issues, pain.

it's so hard for me to show compassion at other times and when i put myself in the other person's shoes. i simply cannot comprehend her reaction, her response!

i still need to show love...

Mum in law and her surgery

Mum in law was admitted on 21 March for surgery for prolapsed vagina and bladder. It was a success and the doc hitched them both to some ligament on the pelvic bone! The bonus was that he did not have to cut her open at her old hysterectomy scar and did all the work from "below"!

That means that recovery is much faster! I hope she will be able to go home by tomorrow although the doc hasn't said anything. The other slight complication was that there was a hernia which he removed from her large intestines which were also protruding!

All in all, growing old isn't too exciting from this angle. I am thankful that she is well although she is experiencing some pain (which i would liken to post natal pains). The doc is able to give her mild pain killers for that and thus is no big issue. It was really hard for her to talk about this as it is an "embarrassing" problem but i am glad that she did speak up and finally agreed to get help for the condition!

Listen!

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen.
not talk or do, just hear my heart.
Advice is easy; I can get it from "Dear Abby"
And I can for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious,
and I don't need advice
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works because God listens.
And He empowers me to work it out myself.

So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn,
and I will listen to you.

Anonymous (adapted)

Another gem from sister Mei Lin...

Please hear what I'm not saying....

I found this in some old notes of a seminar I attended before called LISTENING HEARTS by sister Chong Mei Lin in 2002.

A familiar feeling? Yes, I noticed that the grammar isn't perfect... Look beyond lar....

Please hear what I'm not saying
- Author unknown

Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off.
And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me;
But don't be fooled, for God's sake dont' be fooled!
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled in me.
Within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command.
And that I need no one.
But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask.
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But this I hide.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend.
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my hope!

That is, if it's followed by acceptance.
If it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls.
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of that I can't assure myself...
That I am really something...
But I don't tell you this, I don't dare.... I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
And your laugh will kill me.

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good.
And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
And my life becomes a front.

hail storm and bird park....

yesterday in usj 16, there was hail! bits of ice came down with the rain.

today, we went to the bird park in kl. it was a good visit altho i do feel sorry for some of the birds especially those that were caged up. ok, so all of them are caged up so to speak but at least some can roam freely in a larger enclosure..

Where have all the flowers gone...

A classic folk song that I love, especially the version by Peter, Paul and Mary... Am listening to some of these songs now and thought I might post the lyrics as I find it somehow so meaningful...

WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE
words and music by Pete Seeger
performed by Pete Seeger and Tao Rodriguez-Seeger

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young men gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men gone?
Gone for soldiers every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Gone to graveyards every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the graveyards gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Covered with flowers every one
When will we ever learn?
When will we ever learn?

©1961 (Renewed) Fall River Music Inc
All Rights Reserved.

i have been blogging for over a year now...

i just checked out my first entry and lo and behold it's been more than a year!

also, my internet connection has been totally unreliable! it's been off and on the last couple of weeks and the last time it was out was 2 march till today!

dilemma time....
son no. 1 music theory exam is supposed to be on 11 march (camp day) and now i find out it might be on 13 march instead (last day of camp) so we might end up NOT going to camp after all! sobs sobs sobs!!

upset now.. gotta go brew some...

what else i learnt...

1. For they sow the wind, and they reap the whirlwind - hosea 8:7a. the law of increase applies to both good and evil!
2. Natural - in physics, "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."
3. Spiritual - "whatever a man sows, this he will also reap." gal 6:7 (NAS)
4. Luke 6:42b-48
5. Salvation is a greek term meaning "wholeness" or "healing". it is an ongoing process of healing that began when we first received Jesus. "work out your salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure - Phi 2:12b-13
6. Inner Healing is the ongoing, internal process of sanctification and transformation in a person born anew - 1Peter 2:1-3
7. We need to DIE TO SELF for God to be able to renew us. He does not want to repair us.
8. We can only obtain healing from God if we want to and hate the sin enough to want to stop!
   
9. Pray aloud!
10. It is important to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other.. - James 5:16
11. fear = faith for things we don't like!

to be continued...

What i learnt last week...

Last week was a super chialat week for me. Why? I had much on my plate and a sedentary life is what I love!

So, what happened?

1. my aunt (dad's sister-in-law no. 2) passed away at the age of 83. she had accepted Christ and refused to let her daughters tell her eldest son that she became a Christian and thus was buried in the usual chinese way...
2. i actually am stronger than i think!
3. i am attending a "refresher" course in prayer ministering with aunty nancy.
   

And, what did I learn during this week? I learnt some important LAWS which is the basis of the prayer ministering class that I am attending...

• we need to honor our father and mother (Deut 5:16). Hey! is that supposed to be earth shaking, mountain moving info, you might ask? Well, we may know the verse but do we DO the verse in our day to day?
  
• judge not lest you be judged (Matt 7:1-2). Take time to read and meditate on these verses cos God is serious about it!
• whatever a man sows, this he will also reap (Gal 6:7-8). Law of harvest?
• for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself! (Romans 2:1) - when we judge someone for a particular sin, we condemn ourselves to blindly continue in the same sins! Wow! heavy and controversial!

I plan to regurgitate some of these things i have heard on my blog so that i can re-look at my thoughts and stuff that pass through my brain so that it'll help me...

Will continue soon....

more old pix...

camp 2004...
1.joel with kay li.
2.the atkinsons with loretta.
3.pretty zanne. ooops! dunno how to rotate pix! turn your head please!
4.the maks..

down memory lane...

hey! i learnt to add photos to my blog! yahoo! here are some photos that have never been published!!! enjoy!

My word for this week!

Here is something induced by this week's Word!


Many of today's preachers could be accused of preaching "Feel Good" messages and in many ways, giving the impression that our God has limited facets to His person. Many sermons talk only about God's blessings without correct emphasis on what we as Christians ought to do in order to "attain" these blessings, skimming over this by saying that "so long as you believe…"

I am not suggesting that these preachers are wrong but merely that we may be shortchanged if we do not look in Scripture for ourselves and depend solely on another person's interpretation. In the case of eternal life, this "so long as you believe.." mindset is accurate and true, but insofar as blessings such as material blessings, this may not be the case.

My illustration is this, Matthew 6:33 which says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added onto you." It does say, seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God. Another illustration, Psalm 128:1-2, "Blessed are all those who fear the Lord, who walk in His ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours."

See other verses like:
Deut 28:1-3
Psalm 1: 1-3
Deut 29:9
Luke 12:30-31
2 Chronicles 20:20
Psalm 111:5
Isaiah 1:19

There are plenty of other verses that I could quote which makes blessings if you like "conditional". These conditions I view as good as it reminds me to thank my Maker for what I have and not forget and end up being ungrateful.

Fixed!

My roof's been partially fixed and thus, no more leaks! Thanks, Tony!

The other part will be done.... dunno when.... My damp store room is not so damp anymore, I hope, I hope! The theory of how it got to be damp is this... Months ago when we were busy trying to "arrest" the termites in my kitchen, the pest control people "may" have drilled some holes into my outlet pipe for my washing machine! Hence, the water "might" have wet the surrounding area (washing machine water inlet and outlet are sharing same wall with store room) and thus the dampness on the floor.. I am now trying to dry up the floor and see if there is any new sign of "dampness". If none, then viola, problem arrested! Otherwise, we will have to tackle the inlet pulak! sigh... it isn't easy caring for a home... I have plenty of lessons learnt from this house... mistakes I hope not to repeat in a new home... daydreaming....

a brand new year....

So, what's the difference? Not much really, except that I've to remember to write "2006" instead of "2005" on the cheques I issue... What else? Different schools for my children.

Children... they are changing right before my very eyes and yet they look the same.. they still behave the same way (almost!) and still do the same things...

I think a new year is a good way to "milestone" one's life though... It gives one the excuse to do something differently if we so choose to, simply by using the "excuse" that it is a new year!

I suppose I too will do the same if the situation/circumstance calls for it. Does that make me a hypocrite? hmmm.. don't think so...

I don't feel "new" though.. One of my major stresses now is my home.. Things are in need of repair like my roof which is leaking buckets and my store room which is getting damp from some mysterious underground water. These things worry me, as not only will it cost money to repair, it might impair the value of the house. Also, to get my trusty maintenance guy to come to see to the repairs is quite a task in itself!

Tony is a great guy... He is experienced, friendly, knowledgeable, a hands-on contractor who always does more than he is asked to and has always come to my rescue so-to-speak in emergencies! He is however, terribly "long winded" and when it isn't an emergency, he really, really takes his own sweet time!

Although we have, through the years become friends, we aren't good enough friends for me to actually be open to say to his face that he's cheong-hey! Thus, I will have to "endure" his rather long descriptions of how he has done renovations for this person or that VIP and how the place looked before and after, or what a terrible job the previous contractor had done.....

My roof has been in need of repair months before this new leakage occured like 3-4 days ago, but he had not deemed the repair as something in need of immediate attention until this new leakage.. so i guess i should thank the new hole in my roof cos now i can actually have it all done at once, i hope, i hope!

Been thinking of a new home and how I want it to look like... Think the need is greater now after my father in law's heart attack but I am still waiting on the LORD for this... Meanwhile, am day-dreaming of how my new home would be like... I want to design and build it!

Now, that would be a new beginning.... somewhere in the middle....