Update on Dad in law...

My dad in law was discharged last week Wednesday after going thru an angioplasty.. Only one major blockage which is now "fixed" by inserting a "stent"..

He is home and recovering well, Praise God! He is also impatient (as usual... super "kan cheong") and had to be told by the doctor to take it easy cos he might hurt himself if he over-exerts himself...

I thank God for preserving his life and giving him successful surgical procedure and also an added blessing in a reduced payment for the hospital bill by the doctor through a "free" stent!

It's a go!

Today the doc decided that my father in law should go for that angiogram thingie tomorrow to "see inside his heart" what needs/can be fixed and what needs medication. He says that there will not be a "perfect" solution due to his age and wanted to "add years" to his life!

Translated, i guess it means no major surgery. After all, he's 84. The angiogram is something that involves putting some scope thru an artery to see into the heart. If there are blockages, they can put in something called a stent and inflate it so that the collapsed or rosak artery in the heart can be "opened" or what la...

As with all procedures, there are risks involved, so the doc had been holding on to doing this till my father in law was stronger... I pray that the doc will be able to do all that is necessary to "fix" the rosak arteries.

This is the layman's understanding of things..

I spent last night at the hospital to accompany old man. He is such a restless sleeper! I had already been warned that the hospital chair was not comfy by my dearest so I was mentally prepared for discomfort throughout the night but Praise God, I was able to sleep a bit... I did feel a bit off in the afternoon so had an extra snooze at home and now feel much better!

Heart Attack!

extract from an email dated 14 dec 2005 i sent on "the latest developments" ... for the record...

My father in law suffered a heart attack today. He is in the coronary care unit of SJMC and is stable. The doctors have given him something to clear the blockage he has. i am in the blur whether the blockage is an artery or what la...

He is hooked up to tons of machines and has plenty of tubes attached to him and says he is uncomfortable, wants to go home and wondering how much the hospital bill is going to come to.... he hasn't slept much cos of the tubes and he can't move about to his comfortable side without some alarm going off... otherwise he seems alright, very alert and aware of his surroundings, including what time the nurses get off their shift!

It was his usual Wednesday morning where his buddy, a younger driving retiree would pick him up about 9 am or earlier to drive to Carrefour to park and then take the Komuter train to KL town to have their weekly morning "yum cha" with other buddies near Petaling Street. This time, he complained of discomfort, giddy-ness and chills in the train. He then asked his buddy if he felt cold. When he complained more, his buddies asked him to just have a cup of tea. When it didn't go away, they found a nearby clinic and took him there. The GP gave him some pill for his "chills", a letter for the MO of SJMC and told him to go to hospital. The buddy then took him by taxi back to Carrefour in Subang to collect his car and then sent him home.

Then my mum in law called me to tell me about this and said that dad didn't want to go to the doctor and simply wanted to sleep as he was tired. somewhere in the middle here, chest pains were mentioned. I just told her not to let him sleep for long (scared he cannot wake up mah cos dunno what was wrong...) then asked lynn to help check the internet for symptoms of stroke and heart attack.. she called back and then i thought he should see the doc soonest.

today's post...
17 dec 2005

Father in law is much better today... talking and awake more! PTL! The doctor will decide by Monday if he should go for an angiogram straightaway or wait a little longer...

What i learnt at camp....

What i learnt at youth camp 2005:-

1. our people are all very clique-ish still.
2. we had a fantastic, great, wonderful, anointed, powerful, humourous speaker.. aka Matt Fielder!
3. our people have good tolerance level of different living conditions... some better than others!
4. water can be really cold in the outskirts of Malaysia.
5. bedsheets don't always smell clean after they are washed.
6. we have a great bunch of prayer warriors in our midst.
7. i could do better devos... bleh!
8. i liked the food!
9. i like airconditioning and sit toilets!
10. i should be less cheong-hey!
11. i should check with other adults if they are bringing food and snacks.
12. watching in awe at the LORD use the youth minister to one another is the best Christmas present ever!

I have been neglecting me!

I protest! I have been neglecting me! I have not found time to spend with myself!

This is terrible! I must find time to write too!

Ok, enough of "I"s and exclamation marks!

Been entertaining kids, running errands, like arranging for school transfers, finalising church directory, writing emails in response to "Godly" issues, preparing for a workshop on BGR (something i wish i didn't have to do!), setting up new fish tanks of guppies, some Christmas shopping.

My guppies give me a headache as I watch them swim about.. They are so active compared to my lone angelfish and even my terrapin...

Angelfish died a few days after guppies arrived (like the week before Hari Raya, ie. end October) and terrapin was "released" into a pond in Bukit Beruntung on the 2nd day of Raya (4 October).

Now, guppies have given birth to like 50 or more babies! So I have been busy transferring fry from one tank to another...

This fish thing is quite fun so I shall classify that part as "not neglecting me"...

Just to put on record -
Not so recent shows watched are "Sky High" and "Zorro 2". Not terribly interesting but fun.

Ok hubby wants to watch cable tv so gotta turn off my modem... tv makes a silly noise when modem is turned on!

More losses...

Ying Shien, our very young sister from Puchong Church has passed away from complications from a newly discovered bout of leukemia.

It is very hard for me to accept losing a 15 year old and I can't even begin to imagine what her family members are going through..

I didn't know her but she's Wee Ric's sister and I know him from youth camp 2 years ago. He is returning from Russia even as I write and does not know that his sister has passed away... so so sad. It is strange that although I didn't know her personally, I cried much. I can't explain it. Perhaps because she was close to Nancy's heart or that she was so young or that she was a youth or I am a mother.

This journey is I think, one of the hardest to bear for Puchong church especially. I was at the wake service and her dad was thanking the LORD for the 15 years that he had with her... Pastor Richard described it as a tug-of-war we had with God for Ying Shien and we lost... In a way, I feel the same, i guess..

I myself have been struggling with the thought of losing her the past weeks although the end was imminent only a couple of days ago... They only knew about the cancer 3 weeks ago and I never expected her to leave us so soon. Right or wrong, I just talked at God and continued to ask Him to heal her. I refused to give up till she drew her last breath. I wanted the LORD to prolong her life.. For a person who longed to hear God's voice, I stooped to not wanting to hear what God had to say but merely wanted to tell Him what I wanted Him to do!

Well, that is all i have energy to say about this for now.. I love you LORD. I just wish Ying Shien was alive and well again!

Trickle of thoughts...

1. October 20 was a sad day for our Prime Minister (PM). He lost his love, Datin Endon who fought with cancer for 4 years. Sent my condolences (a first time for me!) through the internet to the PM's office. So so sad....

2. Went to Genting Highlands with the Kon and Swa family! it was good fun, especially for the children. Little Genevieve was running all over so so happily! The kakak had some exercise too!

I went on that ride hmmm can't remember the name, the one where it takes you high up and then drops you? Ok, i went once and then the second time, Mary and kakak came along! It was really great fun!

3. Pastors' Appreciation is not really happening... wish it were... Most are simply un-excitable in church these days.. adults and youth alike.. I wish that everyone would like take a moment to just think about what this dinner is all about and why we even bother! I mean, our pastors serve us hand and foot.. from pulpit to our homes, to our lost relatives, friends, you name it. They got all sorts of things on their plates and yet when we call for a dinner for them like ONCE IN 3 YEARS.. everyone seems so "ho hum" about it.. really sad...

4. I gotta find another hobby liao... either that or read LOTS more! it isn't that i have the time but wanna do something different... hmm some thinking about this is needed! Maybe cooking classes, bible class, learning a new craft?

5. Worship ministry changes... gonna be some changes here.. bracing myself too! New song line up or rather, fixed song line up.. something i don't really like but gotta submit.. not my will, but Yours be done...

6. I don't like the way the prayer session in service is being conducted.. seems like there is very little prayers (wonder if God feels the same!) Maybe I shall initiate some things there too....

measure of affection...

How can I tell if someone likes me... or not?

How much does he/she like me? How would I know? How can I tell?

Some hug and kiss as a customary greeting, whilst some simply nod in acknowledgement or just wave from afar... does that mean that, a kiss and hug person, likes me more?

What does it matter? Well, I resent the fact that we dish out culture as a reason for the lack of show of affection... hmmm, I wonder why courting couples are the only exception then...

I am of the view that, the measure of affection should not be based on merely the outward show. Yet, we cannot dispense with some "show" as we ought to convey our appreciation for the person if they are indeed of some significance or importance in our lives. (Defining significance and importance is for another time...)

End of the day, I'd like to know where I stand...

Wonder if thinking aloud is a good idea after all.. Anyways, this is just an observation..

(This was first drafted on Sept 6..)

Getting up to speed...

Events I would like to make mention are -

1. Son sat for his UPSR (5-7 sept)
He was wonderful the days gearing up to the exams, studying on his own, reminding me to send him to his extra classes and also asking me to take him to the bookstore to get more revision workbooks!!!! It's like Hari ini Dalam Sejarah for me, man!

2. Son went to Kota Bahru and Kuala Terengganu with sister and niece for 3 days last week (21-23 sept)
He thoroughly enjoyed his holiday which incidentally was TAILOR-made months beforehand by his loving aunt and cousin JUST FOR HIM as a belated birthday gift!!! So, so nice of them! It seemed like he just couldn't stop smiling when he got home!

3. Church changes (bible study classes and earlier service)- 4 sept
Everyone is adjusting to these changes pretty well, i think. All in all, i think it is a good good change. The classes on parenting are speaking to me and getting me thinking about a mission statement, vision for the family.... wowee!

4. Having dinner with nephew on his lunar birthday (18 sept)
I don't think I have ever been out with my nephew (and my hubby of course!) one on one before and it was nice, pleasant, relaxing, fun. The restaurant was lovely and thank God, because of the mooncake festival, one U was not crowded that sunday evening... phew!

5. My precious little garden
I also finally got someone to help me spruce up my garden, get rid of unwanted plants and weeds, and now growing new flowering plants like Dianthus and Marigold and hopefully Morning Glory as well! Pesky insects still trying to devour my precious chilly plant though.. Arggggh!

6. My cat kena bitten on her butt
That was a terrible experience... even for me. i had not seen her in so much pain before... she has a very very high threshold for pain... Thankfully, the wound is almost completely healed and she is back to her old self again!

7. My little princess
Still thinking of whether to marry Tessa off to some jock but more and more, am thinking it isn't such a good idea. I would not know how many pups she'd have and I would definitely have to share it with the her hubby's owner... dunno anyone at this time though... perhaps if she ever met anydog suitable..... while she is still a "spring" dog, that is....

8. Maid... again!
Applied for an Indonesian maid for my mum in law. supposed to have arrived last week but still no news from the agency so.... wait wait wait... i wonder if i still remember how to "train" her... am used to living without one. after all, it has been almost 2 years already... I do however look forward to passing on the laundry esp. the ironing to her! Not one of my favourite chores to say the least!

hmmm that is all i can remember/think of insofar as updates are concerned...

Updates

I haven't blogged for so long that I don't know where to start but if I don't get started, I don't think it will get easier...

Blogging started out because I wanted to remember some thoughts and days that I have, some feelings that I felt and hoped that they might somehow be immortalised this way.

Then came the idea to blog to share with people that I care about how I felt or just to keep them up to speed on my day to day.

This could be the birth of yet another potpourri blogger... horrors of horrors!

I love you LORD....

You are my Maker
You love me with an everlasting love
I am amazed
You make me new
You lift me up when I am weary
For that, I am grateful
You are a miracle working God
Yet you pursue me
I am undone
You gave your only Son
You gave selflessly
Now, I am forgiven
Now, I call you LORD.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

FOUND IN OLD SAINT PAUL’S CHURCH, BALTIMORE DATED 1892

Hazy days and Wednesdays......

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please see comments! my apologies!

live out loud

I like this song by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It's not new but I entitled this entry live out loud because I think that is what the LORD is asking of me.... to live out loud.

Eversince I joined the church and become active in different areas or ministry, I had always wanted to remain in the background and do stuff no one sees (stealth is what I like to call it) Why? Perhaps it's because the LORD says in His Word (Matt 6:1-4) that by giving in secret, we would receive our reward in heaven? That we should not blow our own trumpet and announce what we are doing in expectancy of acknowledgement.... waaa sounds very wonderful! But yes, that is what I like to do and continue doing...

At the same time, I also fancy that being a role model is also good. I believe that if I were to show a servant's heart by example, others would also be inclined to follow suit...

Here's the complication, if I do things in secret, how would others be able to see and follow? Should I tell or shouldn't I? Do I simply live it and let those who have eyes see? Also, what if I make a mistake or am wrong in my approach? Aiyooh, shy man! Worst or all, what if I cause someone to stumble???

Coming back to the title of this entry, live out loud. Should I or shouldn't I? I love my LORD and I want everyone to know that! I am a lousy evangelist but have been repeatedly told that it is NOT A CALL on certain individuals only... How do I live out loud?

LORD, help others see You working in and through me. Help me to be a blessing to those around me. Show me how to please You. Show me how to reach out to the unsaved and those who are far away from You. As I give of myself to You and Your people, may others also be convinced to follow suit. I wish to carry Your presence with me daily. Make this a reality in my life today! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

shanghai blues....

2 years doesn't seem so long. My bestest friend is going away for 2 years. Maybe longer. I wonder what life will be like without my friend living nearby.

I feel sad. I haven't felt lonely yet. I am glad that it is now, ie., with IP phone cards, internet access, messenger facilities... let's see how it goes...

A friend...

Some interesting quotes I wish to remember in the days to come...

“A friend is a trusted confidante to whom I am mutually drawn as a companion and ally whose love for me is not dependent on my performance and whose influence draws me nearer to the Lord.”
(Jerry White)

“True friendship can be costly. It is much more than making use of someone for your own benefit, for of necessity it involves self-giving, and that incurs a cost.”
(Facing Loneliness, J. Oswald Sanders)

where do we go from here?

feel trapped,
some things are not what they seem,
faces,
hearts,
only time can tell,
only time can reveal,
God help me be more discerning,
God help me to continue loving,
God help me to believe again.

sugar coated promises

i believed, i trusted... sugar coated promises
i was deceived, i feel stupid, yet i still love
did i want to really see?
maybe not.
did i want to believe?
so so much.
i thought that fairy tales can come true.
silly me!

Reminders, reminders...

I just started reading a book entitled, Spiritual Warfare For Every Christian.

When I began my second journey with the Lord, I started being aware of this thing and read stuff by Neil T Andersen, someone named Warner and did the 7 steps to freedom thing, etc...

I am definitely not a sceptic nor am i ignorant of the existence of this other realm and the happenings there but after some time, have learned not to OVEREMPHASIZE and look for a demon in every closet!

So this book says I am right but it also reminds us not to UNDEREMPHASIZE the existence of warfare in our lives. We can do this when we do not put the same weight on the bible verses that talk about it as you would with other portions of the bible. Hmmm, think that this is a good reminder indeed!

Thanks, Dean Sherman!

Living in Asia, we see so many religious ceremonies, etc. and it is easy to understand that the spirit world is indeed very real. I am thankful for the LORD and His covering over my life as I remember being so fearful of all sorts of ghosts, spirits, imagined or otherwise, as a child. It was this very thing that brought me to Him and He was such a comfort even back then, too!

These days, it is my thought life that is "attacked". Sometimes, strange, forgotten memories invade my thoughts and altho many seem to think it is normal, I found that rebuking and rejecting these thoughts aloud (altho softly, for fear of being heard by the earthly variety!) repeatedly have reduced them significantly! Strange but wonderfully true!

I thank God for this "weapon" that He has given me and encouragements through this book in pages 26-31 on Sitting, Walking and Standing (ref. Ephesians 1-3, 4: 1-9 and 6: 10-20).

Sitting - being relaxed and knowing who we are in Christ
Walking - putting into action (walk worthy of the calling with which you are called)
Standing - taking our stand against the enemy (can only be done after sitting and walking)

As with many authors, Dean Sherman reminds us of who we are in Christ. I am very forgetful of this too, so I appreciate these constant reminders!

reuben morgan

we went to this worship event (actually a cd promo!) at pjefc monday, 6 june. it was my first christian "concert" and i had mixed feelings about it...

1. going to "see" an anointed worship leader/songwriter singing "his" songs, many of which are my personal favorites and powerful songs at that, like "Lord, I give you my heart" etc.. was nice. that was it. it was nice.

2. didn't know whether to "worship" or simply singalong to the music, many of which I really liked, like One Way, Still, All I am...

3. he was promoting his album but he also wanted to give God glory.... i could see that but still thought it a tad bit too commercialised... selling t-shirts to raise funds for some African children in the middle of the event... giving away another 7 track cd with purchases from Canaanland after the event.... sigh...

4. asked myself, what i would do in his shoes? I really don't think I would do what he did...

i did however enjoy my late supper/dinner with friends (and hubby, of course!) Enjoyed the company and the food too! What a lovely way to end the evening!

boulevard of reconstructed cabinets... aha, aha, aha....

My carpenter has put up my kitchen cabinets! I have cabinets again! They seem rather empty now, actually. I added some shelves, reduced the depth and threw away stuff and viola! space!

Sigh... I had a busy day... morning, spent AN HOUR waiting to bank in a cheque at BSN (amazing quantities of patience I had!) then to Puchong and back to my home to await my sister and mum's visit, followed by carpenter then the music teacher and finally the cleaners... not a terribly productive day, I'm afraid!

I did however manage to book online my son's birthday treat... a holiday by the beach! Pangkor! We're heading there by plane (a first!) and the package is fly there and stay for free! Trouble is, the day we leave is his 12th birthday... and we pay full fare for him! Told him to eat more and take up space enough for an adult!! (ok, mum doesn't always make sense! :-P)

So, that was my day.... tada

crappy business!

Let me put on record here that my tag line "everything i know, i learnt from Oprah!" is a very effective way of getting people's attention! Haha! It is also true to some extent!

Now, the new thing I learnt from Oprah is about crap aka "sai" aka shit aka faeces aka stools to name a few names it is called!

Oprah invited this doctor, one Mehmet Oz or whatever to her show once and he is co-author a book entitled, YOU, an owner's manual which says largely that we can live longer and healthier lives just by spending 3 minutes in our own bathroom using our sense of hearing, sight and smell!!!! Yup! you gotta take a look at your waste!

He also said that altho most people say they don't, they actually DO look at their err... waste! haha! I thot of recording this cos i thot i'd have fun reading this years from now on my "discovery" on what my shit says about me!!!!

He says that it is an essential health indicator and if the colour, smell and the very form is inconsistent, it serves as warning to us that we are not keeping ourselves healthy.

Ok, for the low down on faeces... the "ploppy" variety that comes in marbly bits are signs of constipation (duh!) and means we aren't taking enough fibre or water or not going often enough. He says once every 2 days or more frequently is fine but anything more than 4-5 days spell trouble! (double duh!)

The best kinda poop is the type that goes into the water like a skilled diver!!! haha! loved that one! Also, it should be a sort of "S" shape! Imagine that!

He added that, the average healthy person farts like 14 times a day! He did not however, elaborate on how it should smell!!!!

He showed us intestines, colons, livers of healthy vs not so healthy ppl and it does gross us out further but he was trying to make a point...

He said that constipation is bad cos it stretches and strains your body and this does damage it and wear it faster so that will make us age our bodies...

I thot that the show was good cos it reminds us to take care of our internals and that eating well helps us keep healthy. Most people don't care much about this as it is internal and takes some time before the damage is detected. I am the type that has to be reminded, so once again, thanks to Oprah, I learnt something.....

flood of thoughts....

1. My friend is going away...... for a long, long time!
She's going away for a whole year, perhaps longer. My dinner kaki, my friend, my confidant, my sounding board, my reality check, my babysitter....

Feel very apprehensive at this thought and yet it is only less than 2 months away! Sadness, terror, are my first reactions.

I don't like long distance relationships of any sort. I live with them but I don't like them... grumble, grumble....

2. What am I doing?
I am at the place in my life where I am asking myself if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I need to seek the LORD in earnest yet I am reluctant, feeling like I want to be right (as usual!) and think I know best!

3. The aftermath of Camp... TERMITES!!!
My kitchen cabinet is infested!!! noisy fellows who have been VERY BUSY while we were away at camp! aiyoooooh! praying that infestation is isolated or isolatable! otherwise, gotta move to new house liao!!!

4. Backache n such!
I got a bad, bad backache. As long as I remian motionless, I am ok. This is probably the result of the hotel bed and long car ride and AGE. I sure hope I will be better tomorrow..

5. Being a Christian aka yourself all the time!
I heard that the campers in the bus were less than civic minded on the way over to Cherating and left a mess in the bus. I feel very "pai-seh" cos the bus driver would have had to clean the bus after us. His job was to drive us there, not to clean up after us and our mess. It would have been really nice if we left the bus the same way we found it... clean and tidy. What would he think of us Christians? They're just the same as anyone else, or worse?

This "being a Christian" thing has been on my mind much. Do we tire of "being a Christian" and wish for time off? When we do take time off, what happens? Where do we do it? We must not do it when the leaders are around, lest they think badly of us..... We do it when there are non-Christians are around so we can "blend" in...

I had a non-Christian friend who said that he hated hypocrites. I agreed with him but took light of what he said. As I got to know him better, he showed me examples of what he meant and then I understood better.

It's not only when we say certain things in front of one person and something else to another, it's also the way we behave in the presence of certain people too.

I understand that different people have different interests and because of this, we may steer a conversation one way or the other. Granted that this is true, I can't help but think that sometimes we go on a tad too much on "spiritual" things to church people...

I wonder if I am judgmental here...

I wish that we could talk about all sorts of things to our brothers and sisters and not have to restrict ourselves to "CHURCHY" conversations, sprinkling in jargon here and there to seem more spiritual to our church friends. I am all for "blessing" people and speaking life to them, but let us not restrict this to conversations with believers only.

I also wish that instead, we could speak in sincerity to all who cross our path. That we could "bless" someone who is not a believer, and tell a bro or sister in Christ of an upsetting incident where we were at fault and did some "un-Christian like" things and ask them to pray for us instead of reserving that for our non-believing friends (who we think might justify our actions) for fear we might be judged by our brothers and sisters for having reacted wrongly.

I think we can and should do this but I too, have failed miserably in this area..

Let me try again, let me try again...

Pains of parenting...

I have not been writing for some time now and feel once again as though I have to gather courage to write my thoughts and days down..

My kids are growing up fast and I feel so privileged to be able to simply watch them grow. The way God designed us, I really can appreciate how the human mind developes as I watch my two boys.. Things (good and not so good!) that they pick up, the emotions which are sometimes so transparent and even primitive.. things we learn to conceal as we grow older...

I want to try to teach them different stuff these days... I have not dealt much with human emotions and variables in our lives which make each of us react the way we do in different situations. Ok, an example is that people have different personalities and we should not simply react to a situation but also consider other people's feelings....

I would like my boys to be considerate of others. I also wish them to be confortable with and accepting of themselves and who they are, warts and all! The list goes on and on...

Parenting is a rather tricky business. We do what we think is best and at the end of the day, our offspring may turn around and tell us that they never asked us to do this or that FOR them!

We hear of parents toiling to ensure that they have enough money to put the children through their studies and instead of appreciating the efforts, children say to their parents that they never asked them to do so in the first place and would have preferred that the parent spent more time with them instead! This is especially in light of the child, a teen by then having gotten into some sort of trouble....

Both are noble reasons (in that the parent was doing something good by providing and the child was making an appropriate request of parents spending more time with them) but as a parent, how can one undo this? How can parents "make things right"? That is a parent's affliction, a insatiable desire to "make things right" for and with their children!

So, we trudge along, trying our level best to gauge and balance, not always succeeding in our quest of being that perfect parent.. many times losing sight of the fact that the LORD wants us to simply LOVE OUR CHILDREN and allow Him into the equation.

me? muddled?

My modem, network card and router got fried last sunday and i have only just got reconnected. It was a truly impressive storm and am thankful that TM (formerly known as Telekom) has replaced my modem foc.

This month (April) is passing by pretty quickly and altho' I'd like to say that it has all been good, I think I should simply say that it has been fair...

First thing is, this email reminder on Job vs Ministry has got me reviewing my so called service to God...

JOB Vs MINISTRY

Some people have a JOB in the church; others involve themselves in a MINISTRY.
What's the difference?

If you are doing it just because no one else will, it's a JOB.
If you are doing it to serve the Lord, it's a MINISTRY.

If you quit because somebody criticized you, it was a JOB.
If you keep on serving, it's a MINISTRY.

If you'll do it only as long as it does not interfere with your other activities, it's a JOB.
If you are committed to staying with it even when it means letting go of other things, it's a MINISTRY.

If you quit because no one praised you or thanked you, it was a JOB.
If you stay with it even though nobody recognizes your efforts, it is a MINISTRY.

It's hard to get excited about a JOB.
It's almost impossible not to be excited about a MINISTRY.

If our concern is success, it's a JOB.
If our concern is faithfulness, it's a MINISTRY.

An average church is filled with people doing JOBs.
A great and growing church is filled with people involved in MINISTRY.

Where do we fit in? What about us?

If God calls you to a MINISTRY, don't treat it like a JOB.
If you have a JOB, give it up and find a MINISTRY.

God does not want us feeling stuck with a JOB, but excited and faithful to Him in a MINISTRY.

- Author unknown -

We all like to call what we do in church, SERVICE and MINISTRY. Think I have to seriously review the first criteria already.....

Being the coward that I am I shall now retreat to safer grounds like itinerary for the rest of the week.

Today is a public holiday and later, the family will be off to Times Square's Theme Park for the day. This is the birthday boy's request and we hope that he will have a good time!

Friday, it'll be Kindah Greening (we hope!) to speak to us. Prayerfully, he would indeed be a blessed speaker to our people!

Saturday, birthday boy has got a school trip to the National Museum while big bro will, again, be at school!!! sobs for Josh!

Now i am talking about CONNECTING with people. i think that it is vital and necessary for each of us to do so. Yet it is hard. I am not talking about the connecting as in chatting or even sharing but where we can see or feel what the other is feeling or at least reaching out by way of words, gestures... a conversation or time of being together where the heart can be reached. It's hard to explain. I think steady boyfriend/girlfriend or good friends can do it. Spouses and even family members can do it and have done it before but some no longer do it or find it hard to do.

Like when we have a conversation about general stuff, we don't really connect. We update each other, share an opinion or information. When we share about something that tugs at our hearts like a loved one, a situation, even work then yes, we can connect with another. It takes some giving to connect. Giving of yourself. A place of vulnerability cos sometimes, the person you talk to may not be able/ready to respond and connect with you.

I am talking about connecting cos i think relationships depend on it.

i haven't thought this one thru yet. may write more and better articulate it soon...

Offense, hurt and the like!

I have been hearing and in many a way, feeling these feelings as I enter into conversations with churched people more than those who are unchurched.

I wonder why this is so. I blame it on many things, like, Satan, the past, circumstances, people, people, people and people. Are people being too sensitive? Do we have expectations that are too high? Are we insensitive? Are we too this or not that enough? What happened to the LOVE that we profess Sunday after Sunday? Is this offense what really sets us apart and makes us holier than the unchurched?

Is there a difference between unchurched and unbelievers? Yes.

Many unchurched are those in the "hurt" and "offended" category... They are moving eventually to the "unbelievers" category if the churched ones don't watch out! So the churched are the ones with ALL THE PRESSURE to perform!

I really wish people could see past offense yet that is what is so LARGE and LOOMING in front of them. I wish I could take it away from them. I wish I could be their ALL SUFFICIENT savior! Really, I wish that! (the all-stupid me!)

When there are only 9 pot covers for 10 pots, there isn't much I can do no matter how much shuffling and juggling I do. You know, sometimes, it gets to me.... I am now officially offended by the offenses offended people experience (like it is any of my business!) I wish they would stop feeling the way they do. I wish I could make it go away or better yet, wish the things that happened to them never happened...

Alright... I know what I am supposed to do and say and behave, etc. but I am permitted to FEEL emotions so long as I work them out with God. That is what I am doing....

I am reading this book entitled, "Bait of Satan" by John Bevere a book NOT for the faint hearted as he really spells out much about being offended. (Things we harbour and even forget but when we see or talk to a particular someone or an unrelated event similar to a hurtful event in our past occurs, we just get upset for no apparent reason... he says that it is probably an undealt-with offense.....) Perhaps that is why things become GLARINGLY clear to me now. Since I have not finished reading this book, I shall not comment too much...

It is the better book by this author. Probably because I am reading it at the right season?! His other books, Breaking Intimidation and Thus Saith the Lord I didn't finish...

So, any lessons for me today? I am still learning but am willing to go thru this phase knowing that something good is going to come out of this, Lord!

Josh is sick and having his exams, PCK is recovering from laryngitis.

I would really love a shopping and a beachside holiday..... some new shoes, Laura Ashley outfits, laze around the pool side....

Precious moments.....

1. Joel and his first memory verse
Today I took time to encourage Joel to memorize a bible verse and he did! Hurrah!

2. Why blog?
Someone asked this and am trying to respond.. so that I have a record of things that matter to me and when it happened. Also, to think things thru. I get muddled up at times and writing helps some.

Why post it? So that people who may or may not be interested in my life and my thoughts can know and I don't have to re-relate them!

3, People who tell all but don't listen
An ex-cell member who seemed quite rattled by a MWR (as in BGR) situation called me to air her concerns and woes. I felt so much anxiety and pain in her as she explained that she had done all she could to help the couple who knew they were on the wrong track and yet refused to take any remedial action.

What more could she do in this situation? She admitted that she wanted to get away from this couple and not need to face them and see them, so to speak, ruin their lives... she felt so guilty for having those feelings!

I am more concerned for her as she seemed too deeply involved herself to be able to be objective... I promised to pray alongside her and also for her to rest in the Lord and for Godly wisdom in dealing with this "bleeding" situation....

4. Resurrection of the fish tank!
I have resurrected my fish tank after more than a year of mourning. It was for Joel as he loves fish (and nags me endlessly about it!) We shall see if my 2 angelfish survive the night!

5. Joshua's exam
Josh said that his music theory Grade 3 exams were easy! I was worried about him when I dropped him off at SMKSJ this morning. He seemed so nervous and fretful (first time jitters, I guess!) so I continued to pray after leaving him. When I picked him up later, I mentioned this to him. To my surprise, he said that he supposed that, it was why the exam was easy!

To many, Josh seems like a regular 12 year old. I guess he is to everyone except me (and PCK as parents la!). He is my firstborn and so so special! I can still remember looking into his eyes (and he mine!) when the nurse brought him to me immediately after he was born.

He was MY baby, so precious, so alert, so so Josh! Beautiful eyes, perfect fingers and toes! (things i could check quickly!) I think every parent should tell their children (sometime or at different stages of the child's lives) just how they felt when they saw them for the first time... the emotions and thoughts that go through our minds are truly feelings we should carry and keep with us (esp. when the kids do something really naughty and you want to strangle them!!!) ok but seriously, there therapy to be found there... I really do thank the Almighty for such a wonderful, beautiful, most precious gift! Of course, Joel too! Now, that boy is warm sunshine!

6. With grateful thanks!
I've got a BREATH OF FRESH AIR, COOL BREEZE AND WARM SUNSHINE in my life! Thank you Abba for your gifts and providence!

Why is influence important?

My thoughts keep running to the question of "influence" and its importance.

I have not been able to accept some of my own arguments for it and thus within my own mind am at a stalemate. This is terrible for someone like me who likes to classify EVERYTHING and put them into their rightful places in my head. The drawer remains open...

Have been feeling much better this past week. The school hols are this week end and SPM results will be out soon too! Josh will have his music theory exams this Saturday as well.

Also I want to STOP using the word "busy" to describe time I spend. A friend told me that using this word as a reason for not doing something/seeing someone, is like saying that the other person isn't important enough for me to find time to see/talk/meet, etc.... It sounded so terrible when I first heard her say that.

When I thought about it a little more. to my horror, I came to realise that there was more than an ounce of truth in it! If someone says, "Oh, I am sorry I couldn't see you as I've been busy..." perhaps it can AT TIMES mean that we are not a priority in that person's life... Realising this, I shall try my level best to avoid using that word and also making sure that I show people more respect and consideration.

Hope to spend a little more time with Mummy dearest this week! She's just back from her Melbourne/Sydney/Adelaide holidays with my sis and think I should go be with her some this week.... missed her lar...

lost and found

Today is my day off. Everyone has to have one, even homemakers... I call it a day off cos I consider this a "free" day for me. It's a day of "do what I like".

So, I went to my usual shopping mall this evening, to do my shopping. I bought a belated birthday gift, some personal stuff, a shirt for hubby, had tea, bought some food and as we were in the last leg of buying, I "lost" Joel.

I had learnt these last few years to go quickly to the Lord whenever I was in a crisis. It was easy to rely on Him now and pray immediately when I was fearful or anxious. I said a quick prayer and continued to look for him. It was thankfully a short few minutes later when I got a phonecall from an unknown telephone no. It was a lady who promptly passed the phone to my son. He was about 150 m away from me in the shopping mall and this lady was kind enough to make that call for him!

He was calm and ran to me when I got within sight. He had inadvertantly strayed away and was headed to where he thought I'd be. I was however, at the other end! I gratefully thanked the older lady and her family (I think!) who had "saved" my son!

This is the 2nd time that Joel has gotten "lost". The first time was in Melbourne, in a craft market by a river! That experience was terribly frightening as it was a good half hour before we "found" him being escorted by a young ozzie lady... (details another time!)

Many probably think that this mum never learns her lesson and keeps on letting this happen. Let me say that it can never be a mum's intention to "lose" their children!

I am so so thankful that my prayer was quickly answered and I was spared the agony of the wait and search..... or worse! I'm also thankful for the "angels" out there!

The lessons learnt here are reminders that we must be diligent and watchful ALWAYS! It also reinforces my conviction and belief in prayer and our LORD's protection! Thanks be to God!

mixed bag of nuts..

I have had a full day today, with non-stop activities, going places, meeting up with people. Feel tired but I am glad for the day.

It is hard to re-start blogging after a long break. At least it seems like a long while to me. I have been revealing my thoughts and feelings fairly well earlier but I have noticed a barrier of late. That too has for my keeping away... I wonder why that happens? Does it also happen when I take breaks from being with people too?

Some stuff about church.. like being involved in different "ministries". I feel truly blest that I have had the opportunity to meet up with different people, from the young to the old, from the noisy to the quiet, from the easy going to the very serious. I sometimes wish though, that I weren't quite so "sibuk" and just do my "own" thing. Like, be involved in one ministry, be more organised as far as home is concerned, going for some "courses" to hone in on whatever skills I might have, loads of other things... Then, I think of what I am so "sibuk" with. What kind of hours am I keeping "doing God's work" so to speak? Then, it hits me! All that I do concerns God, whether or not it is churchie stuff, ministry stuff, baking or whatever...

I met my neighbour of 6 or more months for the first time yesterday. I found out that she has 2 autistic boys aged 10 and 12 and an older teenage daughter. That's how good I am at "neighbour-ing"! (takes me forever to go up to ppl to say "hi!") I heard earlier from the previous occupant/owner that she had an autistic boy but I didn't know that there were 2 of them. I used my humble baking skills as an excuse to ring their doorbell and greet them while the lunar new year was still applicable. Thankfully, she was pretty friendly, apologizing for noise that she seems to think the boys make. Imagine that! She also said that some of her relatives/friends commented that the kids were better off dead than alive!!!! I can only imagine how that must have horrified her and her husband! It surprised me though how easy it was for her to tell me that... I told her that she was some strong lady, caring for the boys and household as well! I hope to be able to get to know them better, seeings that the initial contact has been made. Mayhaps, share with her about Christ someday, if they aren't already believers?

My other neighbour has also been a little friendlier of late, esp. through Joel's efforts to befriend her twins. He's managed to get an invitation to their home one of these days and is pretty excited about that. Only one problem, LANGUAGE! I suppose they could pick up english or Joel could learn conversational Mandarin?? He's even prepared himself for if the kids have homework. He says that he will spend time with their mum!

My ozzie friends left Sat morning and I didn't even manage to give them a meal! So sad eh? Dunno what kind of hosts we are!!! I really wished that we could spend more time with them esp. when they are such an encouragement and like big bro and sis to me!

To pray for :-
1. Simon Foo, Cheng Har, Ivan and Jason's salvation
2. Sam Tan and family's salvation
3. Cheng and family's settling down in Mel
4. Joel Wee's new job
5. Joy - SIG (that it would be a channel of blessing to those who join)
6. Subang leadership - MA and TBT
7. Joel Phua's eyesight (healing for his congenital cataract ridden eyes)
8. Nancy Q who is sick with back problem, that she will be well enough for travel by month end

a quiet lunar new year

It has been a quiet ushering in of the new lunar year for the phuas. I have been blessed with good sleep and being able to wake up at ten or later these two days!

I have not been posting as I had been busy baking stuff as giveaways for the new year. Some of the recipes I discovered are quite yummy so I share that with the family (extended) and friends!

It must be really hard to do baking on a large scale. I only did some and it takes both time and effort. Never been known for intricate work, this cookie baking, I discovered, requires a great deal of discipline and patience... A steady hand is of course a prerequisite! The only thing I can say for my handiwork is .... it's yummy!

happenstance?

I am very sad today about ...... my LIGHTS!!! It had died on me a second time after another electrician came to supposedly fix it!!! Now, I see no alternative except to return them to the shop! WAAAAAAH!

Why so much hoo hah about lights? Well, I have been looking for something nice eversince I moved into no. 47 and when I finally found it, it's defective! So so sad! I have to reinstall my flourescent tubes..... DOUBLE WAAAAAAH!

I think I must be getting to domesticated cos whenever things go wrong at home, I get quite stressed by it! talk about weird! after all, they are just lights and they are used to illuminate the room right? so it shouldn't be a biggie, yet, I actually feel sad...

A friend of mine concludes that things like this only happen to me! (Terrible curse, me thinks!) and other people can go about life with no such inconveniences, but me, she observes, had to end up with defective goods! Then I begin to wonder if indeed there is any truth in what she says. Am I such a "born loser?" (see what a defective light can do to me?)

Moral of the story according to pck, is "if it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

Perhaps, I should instead reflect more on the small mercies, gifts, joyful events, happy moments in my life? Maybe I should count my blessings instead of dwelling in my sorrows and dissappointments too often and too long!

So, I shall count mine now. I get a full refund for the lights!

a feather....

ARRRGH! my new lights don't work! now, what is the darn use of lights that don't work? they become useless pieces of decor!!!

my meagre attempt at making house look nicer, brighter, etc.. have ended up in DARKNESS! oh woe is me!

Meaningful things in life, you ask?

1. feel that i have been too hard on my son
2. listened to a cassette tape about Worship and Praise breaking into God's presence (King David), bondages (Paul and Silas) and thru enemy territory (King Jehosaphat) and found it refreshing!
3. visited mum

I reckon my son a flight feather on a bird. If left to stand alone would be pretty but of little function or purpose. However, on a bird is capable of rendering flight to that bird. If only it knew of its purpose, its importance, its value to the bird....

xcuses, xcuses...

I am feeling like life is a series of tests that I have to undergo AND pass. I don't particularly like this feeling, the feeling that I have to prove things to others.

I had a relatively good day, but still feel that I have underachieved... I still have so much on my list of to-dos....

1. touch up paintwork in parts of the house indoors and outdoors
2. paint a small mural (outstanding for AGES!)
3. grocery shopping
4. cookie baking (min. 2 batches)
5. CNY spring cleaning
6. CNY shopping
7. collect registered letter from post office
8. see mum
9. fry keropok
10. buy some plants from Sg Buloh plus get quotation on rock garden concept for my little patch of garden.

ok, so you think some of these things are unnecessary.... even frivolous... I say my friends and I love keropok and cookies and I like to do stuff with my house. If I don't put it into my list, it'll likely never get done!

what I did achieve today was get new and hopefully better lighting for my home, the laundry and not much else... see what I mean about underachieve? My excuse.... it was simply too hot to venture outdoors plus kids had their activities... so ferrying them in and out 4 times was A LOT!

Guess who?

Ok, call me silly, call me crazy but this entry in dedicated to my good friend and former housemate, _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

I miss her. I miss her "muahaha-s", her love for japanese food, her "try to be funny" jokes, her scoldings (I mean those she gives to others!) , her "don't i look great?" look, her singing, her energy....

I still have not managed to talk with her, so will probably only get to speak to her when she's back at base or what... dunno what to say cos i am not good at re-capping all that happened like since she left. .. besides, that'll take too long!

Think she's so so brave to be doing all the stuff she's doing. Don't think I could ever do that... I admire her spunk, ability to learn and then teach, her love for people, her dedication and obedience to our LORD!

Ok, so she's not ALWAYS right but neither am I! So, why can't I simply appreciate my friend? Thing is, i am usually slow at appreciating people, and I got funny ways of doing it...

Believe me, there's lots more to say about this lady but for now, may the LORD continue to bless and watch over her where she's at, enrich her with His presence daily and touch lives through her!

Love you lots, _ _ _ _ _ _ _!

troubling thots....

Ever succumb to the temptation of comparing someone to someone else? I wonder if it is a sin to compare? Does anyone fall short of your glory?

How can I stop? It is disheartening to know that I do this and yet hate it when others do that to me! Woe is me!

Why do we compare? What drives us? Dissatisfaction? Why does one have to be better than the other? Why can't we be content with "different"?

I guess pleasing people.. or wait, acceptance, is the goal of the exercise. Why can't we be ourselves AND be pleasing? Why must I be conformed to another person's idea of right, or good or acceptable?

Can I accept someone else for who they are and yet still love them? ... really? I say I do but I have seen myself NOT doing it... Woe is me! LORD, do a work in me to change me to be more like you! May I show love to your children, all of them!

running away....

I've running away from having to put down in words what my new year resolution(s) are... am still thinking... what if I can't do it thru out 2005, would i be a failure?

Also, this has been an ozzie weekend for me. Have an ozzie house guest and 2 ozzie farewell dinners for friends who are headed there.... for good! sigh!

Don't like farewells. They seem so final. I am lousy at goodbyes cos it would break my heart if I thought that I would not be able to see someone ever again.... I usually just don't think too much about it so that it won't prick.

Speaking up/out without fear or favour vs speaking or keeping silent in love... I am all for the latter but speaking out without fear or favour requires a lot of strength. Mayhaps i should blend in a tad of tact and buckets of love. Think that would be easier to swallow for the recipient. My million dollar Q is will I be able to take it? I mean I should be able to receive the same stuff I dish out, no?

Not really able to articulate how I feel now. Even my thoughts are jumbled up. Maybe getting new car today... Wanna do some repair paintwork around the house.... want to re-do the stencil work around driveway walls. Need to re-do lawn, maybe convert it to a rocky patch cos of the dog and cat!

Also, do you notice that the air around church seems different? Can't really explain what I mean, just that it has changed some... Wondering about what it is exactly that is different? Service yesterday was something else. I just love to see the Lord work in and thru people. It is just a beautiful sight.

My heart is also troubled by death. Death of loved ones... How it is a true test for all of us when someone really special and precious is taken away from us. How we talk to God about it and what we say and do thereafter... tsunami, cancer, many or few at one time....

Keeping Promises

Writer and speaker Lewis Smedes says:

Yes, somewhere people still make and keep promises. They choose not to quit when the going gets rough because they promised once to see it through. They stick to lost causes. They hold on to a love grown cold. They stay with people who have become pains in the neck. They still dare to make promises and care enough to keep the promises they make. I want to say to you that if you have a ship you will not desert, if you have people you will not forsake, if you have causes you will not abandon, then you are like God.

What a marvelous thing a promise is! When a person makes a promise, she reaches out into an unpredictable future and makes one thing predictable: she will be there even when being there costs her more than she wants to pay. When a person makes a promise, he stretches himself out into circumstances that no one can control and controls at least one thing: he will be there no matter what the circumstances turn out to be. With one simple word of promise, a person creates an island of certainty in a sea of uncertainty.

When a person makes a promise, she stakes a claim on her personal freedom and power.
When you make a promise, you take a hand in creating your own future.

Citation: Lewis Smedes, "The Power of Promises," A Chorus of Witnesses, edited by Long and Plantinga, (Eerdmans, 1994)

I came across this article on the net (while looking for stuff on new year resolutions) and it started me thinking... how honourable am I and do I keep my promises? How important is it, even if it's only a simple, "Be there in half an hour!"....

What of marriage? Isn't that promise one worth keeping? Why some couples choose to give up on them. Should we then STOP making promises? Why or why not?

I have no answers just questions.....